Portrait of the Suicidal After

it was like living inside a grave the suffocation

growling in my stomach as I ate eggs off a paper plate

and told myself this was it I would never believe in god again

the bracelet rash the

personalities the dodgeball

game

in UNO I always drew

four in war I always lost

I dreamed of it for years after the sweat

and metal beds the grayness of it all

how I fell apart like the continents

how much I wanted to die

and I rationalized I behaved

differently I swallowed my medicine

and earned enough trust to remove it

from under lock and key

I didn’t think of cutting myself once

I actually wanted a bath

now in my mind I try

to make this place beautiful imagine

the nurses as patient crickets the yogurt

as liquid gold the white walls as rose petals

and I a bug inside the flower trying

to feed on what was good