I love you

“I don’t get it, how can you think like that?” Delilah asked me. She sat next to me in the bathroom. I could still hear the chatter of kids in the lunchroom.

“What do you mean?” I ask. Delilah sighs picking at her bracelet. She always does that when she feels sad. I hate that I made her feel anything other than happy.

“You blame yourself for everything, you let everyone get under your skin. You don’t believe in yourself! How do you not see what an amazing person you are. I just wish I could hear your thoughts, just for a day.” Delilah looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes that normally cause butterflies to erupt in my stomach, but today they are filled with so much sadness that it breaks my heart. I smile at her wistfully and grab her hand. I pull her in front of a mirror and stand next to her. I look even more ugly than usual beside her, she just radiates beauty.

“You really want to know how my brain works?” I question, Delilah nods. I study myself for another moment before I speak. “What do you see when you look at me?” Delilah smiles and touches me cheek. A rush of warmth spreads through me.

“I see a gorgeous young lady that can light up a room when she smiles. I see your pretty brown hair, your chocolate brown eyes, your cute freckles right under your button nose. Your tall and skinny body that I would kill to have. But most importantly, I see my best friend.” Delilah speaks with such honest conviction that I long for nothing more except to see what she sees in me. I wish that I could see that pretty girl she describes but all I see is the flaws.

I take a breath steadying myself so that I don’t cry, “When I look in the mirror every day I see an awkward clumsy giraffe. Arms and legs that are too long and a torso that is too short. I see curves in all the wrong places. My hair looks like crusty sticks and my eyes are too small. My nose doesn’t fit right and is too far down on my face. My teeth are crooked and my lips make me look like a fish. My forehead is giant and everything feels rather lopsided. All I want to do when I look in the mirror is change everything. But I can’t, so I just avoid mirrors.” When I finish my gaze shifts to Delilah who is still standing next to me. She has tears in her eyes and she grabs my hand.

“I had no idea.” She whispers her voice choked with emotion. Without thinking I wipe a tear off her face, a tingle passes through my hand and I’m suddenly very aware of how close we are. I take a step back gently pulling my hand away from hers. “You seem so happy, has it always been like this?” She asks. I turn away from Delilah and stare intently at the bathroom door silently willing my tears away.

“I haven’t told anyone. But I'm just not happy anymore. I don't care anymore. Talking to people doesn't mean anything, everything is just empty. Empty words. Empty smiles. Empty laughs. I just want to feel something again...." I stop, my breath hitches as my throat starts to close but I force myself to keep talking. "I see these people I used to call friends and then I realize that even though they talk to me I will always just be their second choice. There will always be somebody who is better than me, somebody who they like more. I'm never anyone's first choice. I notice the whispers in the hallway, the way the people I call friends talk about me behind my back. The words they use; stupid, ugly, slut, freak. And I just pretend like it never happened. That's all I do, is just smile and nod and pretend like I don't hate myself with every fiber of my being. I just pretend that I'm not hurting when I am in so much pain. It hurts me so much every single day, and nobody cares. I'm alone." I'm gulping air down now, trying to keep my eyes dry. I feel two strong hands turn me around until Delilah and I are face to face. She grabs me and pulls me into a hug. I can't hold back anymore and now I'm sobbing, heaving and shaking as I cry into Delilah's shoulder. It feels so good but hurts so much at the same time, I can feel myself breaking and I cling to Delilah like it's my only lifeline.

"You're wrong," Delilah whispers, "You will never be alone because I am here. I care about you Ivy, more than anything in the world. I know you hear the whispers and I know that you let them tear you down. But I see jealous and envious kids who have nothing better to do than hurt someone so they feel better. I see children who think they can say whatever they want and not have to deal with the consequences. I see people who will never amount to anything unlike you. You are the one who is going to be important, and if you don't believe that I will remind you every single day until you do. I'm not going anywhere, so if it takes me 50 years to convince you that I care and that you are the most amazing person I know so be it. I will spend every single one of those days with you. Ivy, you are my first choice and you always have been. You make my day worth living and the only thing I want in this world is to give that gift back to you. I love you."

I can feel my heart soaring with every word even though part of me knows she is lying. How could an angel like her feel all that about me? But when she says I love you I feel the familiar butterflies in my stomach again. The longing to just hold her like this forever fills me with so much compassion I almost forget all the bad feelings I had a second ago. Until Delilah pulls back and looks at me with a sad smile.

I make a hasty decision and start talking before I can change my mind, "I love you too Delilah, but not in that way. I love you so much it feels like my heart might explode, and I had to tell you before you realize that I'm not worth your time. The only time I ever feel happy is around you, you are the only person I can really smile at. You make my life worth living and without you I'm not sure I would still be here. I...I really really like you...like a lot." I finish lamely internally scolding myself for being so dumb. My mind is racing and my nerves buzz as I wait for her response. I feel silly, like a little kid professing her crush. Delilah looks up at me but I can't recognize her expression. I brace myself for a rejection but it doesn't come.

She shakes her head and says, "I had no idea you felt that way, I thought you were striaght...?" She trails off embarassed as a blush creeps up her neck. I can feel my own face getting heated as well. All I can think about was how her voice sounded, like she was surprised but also hopeful.

I laugh quietly, "How could I tell you I was bi? Or how I felt about you? I was already terrified I would say something dumb and scare you away. Or heaven forbid you could see that I liked you and were creeped out. I just wanted to stay friends, besides aren't you striaght?" I hate how hopeful my voice sounds. But I can't help it, Delilah has been the only person who has been with me for years now. I have loved her for so long.

Delilah grins wildly then in one swift movement picks me up off my feet and spins me around. She giggles wildly when I cry out in surprise. My protests to put me down fall on deaf ears.

"Ivy, I don't like guys. I thought you knew that! Oh gosh, I feel the same way about you!" She says, her words are rushed with joy. Then she drops me suddenly and I barely catch myself from tumbling onto the ground. "Oh my god is this actually happening?" She asks her voice equal parts disbelief and fear. I understand where she is coming from. How is it possible? I don't really care as long as this isn't some cruel prank. I can't believe Delilah of all people could like me!

"I love you, Delilah" I say a smile creeping on my face. Delilah comes over and kisses me on the cheek.

"I love you too, Ivy" She whispers. I hear the voice in my head telling me that she's lying, that I'm going to mess up and lose her. That I'm a failure and she deserves better. A hundred scenarios play in my head of all the ways I could mess up. But for the first time ever, I tell the voice in my head to shut up.