Watching Over Bella In Her Sleep

“All babies are beautiful, but not as beautiful as my baby girls.” That’s what your Grandma Angelucci said every time she fussed over you. That peach fuzz sprouting from your little cue ball head was barely there by your first birthday. “Is she ever going to have any hair?”, they always asked. I know I’ve told you these stories a hundred times before, but I can’t help thinking of them today. I was proud, so proud of you. Your grandma and I used to make ribbons into bows and stick them with a tiny piece of scotch tape to your baby soft skin and the tiny wisps of something soon to be, well, because I guess the pink dresses weren’t enough for all the little old ladies to tell that you weren’t a boy. You always looked so beautiful, even bald. You still look just as beautiful today, sweetheart.

“Are you ever going to cut her hair?”, they’d say as they stared through the top of their bifocals with a judgmental tone in their voice. As if allowing your hair to grow beyond your waist was some form of punishment or child abuse. Most people were amazed at your beautiful hair, and complimented you in a much nicer tone of voice. It was like looking at you had reminded them of their daughters and granddaughters. A lot of them called you Rapunzel as they pulled on your braids just to make sure they were real. “I bet that’s a lot of work taking care of all that hair”, they’d say, and I’d answer them as I ran my fingers across the baby curls I’d never cut and had waited so long to brush. We sure spent a lot of time together taking care of your hair, little girlie. Reminds me of holding you in my arms while you were still small enough to lay across my lap in your rocking chair. You sure loved to be rocked to sleep. I never wanted to move you from my arms to your bed, so you’d just sleep for hours as I stared at your beautiful face. Angel baby. That’s what I’d call you because you looked so peaceful when you slept.

I’d never seen such a radiant bride. Your wedding day seems like just yesterday. You were glowing and so happy. You truly looked like an angel. I love that photo of you standing in the field of cornflowers as the sun was setting. Your hair looked like a crown in that late afternoon light. Your photographer sure did an amazing job capturing your beauty. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day. How I wish I could have bottled up the happiness we all felt. How I wish we were there today, sweetie.

I can’t help but see you every time I look at Mia. She’s grown up to be such a remarkable young lady. You should be very proud of her and yourself. She is just as beautiful as you were at her age and still are, sweetheart.

I still can’t believe this is all happening. I wish I would have asked you about your wishes sooner. I wish that I knew what you wanted, sweetie. Oh please, just give me a sign. The hospice nurse said it’s just a matter of hours now. If only you’d wake up just once more so I could ask you. Oh Mom, what am I going to do? I know you’ll help me decide.

Oh, my sweet precious baby girl. You never even had time to grow in any of that peach fuzz after chemo. If only I could hold you in my arms and rock you like I used to. If only I could take away all your pain. I wish I could see that smile in your eyes just once more. Wake up, angel baby. Please, wake up for mama.

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The pink dress you picked out looks just lovely on you, sweetheart. You look so peaceful, just like an angel. I can still see that sweet precious face of my baby girl cradled in my arms, sleeping for hours in that rocking chair of ours. Oh Bella! How am I ever going to live without you in this life? I miss you! I miss hearing you laugh and seeing your smile light up the room. I miss your hugs and I miss wiping away your tears. I know that you’d wipe away my tears if you could.......... I just can’t bring myself to walk away from you not knowing when I’ll see your sweet face again.

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I sure hope that you know how beautiful you looked today......even in death. I sure hope that I did the right thing, sweetie, by deciding to donate your wig to Locks for Love. It’d be a shame for your hair to be buried, here, with you, knowing that you’d have wanted it to be a blessing to someone else suffering like you did. You always looked so beautiful, even bald, and you still looked just as beautiful today. You always will in my eyes, especially when I see you someday in heaven. Sleep sweet, angel baby. Mama loves you to the moon and back. Give your grandma a big hug for me, okay? I promise I’ll look after your baby girl for you. Always.

I wish you were here, so I could fall asleep in your arms. My heart feels like it’s being pulled out of my chest. I miss you so much. Watch over Bella as she sleeps next to you. Take care of our precious baby girl. I love you, mom.