how far can i go without losing you, and will i lose me, too?

my stomach drops,

my throat tightens,

my heart quickens,

my eyes swell,

every time

i hear your name.

is it because of regret?

knowing that something

could have been,

and thinking that

something,

anything,

should have been.

is it because of embarrassment?

resenting the words

i expressed to you;

the completely vulnerable

moments

filled with honesty

and passion,

and wondering

if you do, too.

is it because of fear?

dreading the look of

disappointment

and anguish

hidden behind

your dark eyes.

convincing me

more and more

every time

that i never meant

anything to you.

or is it because

despite the "what-could-have-beens," embarrassments, and the "never-good-enough-to-make-you-stay" resentments,

i still fall for you,

and i don't know

why?