Love Wins… Doesn’t It?

"You know, maybe we should kill ourselves." I say quietly, resting my head on his shoulder. "It'd be a lot easier that way."

I'm flung upward as he sits up, the covers of the bed now piled on our waists. He looks at me, and the bewildered face he makes is unbearable, so I look away and busy my eyes on the bare, grimy white walls littered with holes. I'm not even sure you could call them white anymore.

"Don't say that." He says pointedly, as if that was the final word. "Don't you ever say that, it's not right."

"I don't know… I guess… I guess. Forget I said anything." I ripped the blankets off my legs and swung them off the bed, desperate to leave the conversation. As I stand up, I feel his hand wrap around my wrists. "Let go." I whisper.

"No."

I pull violently, trying to slip from his grasp, but he was stronger than me. He'd always been stronger. He grabbed my other wrist and I thrashed harder. Suddenly tears were streaming down my face and I kicked. "Just let go." I choke between sobs.

"Look at me." He says. I can hear strain in his voice. "LOOK AT ME."

I was shocked that he yelled. He had never yelled at me, only at the people who told us our love was wrong on the streets, no matter how many times I had told him to ignore them.

His hand wrapped around me chin, forcing me to face him. I could barely see his cotton tank top, the same grimy white as the walls. "No, look me in the eyes."

I couldn't bear to look him there, so I closed my eyes instead, tears still streaming down.

"LOOK AT ME DAMMIT."

And suddenly he's on top of me, my arms pinned over my head on the pillows. I looked up at his shadowy, smeared figure and sobbed.

"Don't you get it? We're lost- a hopeless case. It's not gonna get better. There's nothing left to do about it anymore and even if there was I wouldn't have the strength to fight it. There might still be air in my lungs and spit in my mouth but there's no bounce to my step or light in my eyes. I'm dead already, inside and out and there's nothing that's gonna change that anymore. And I know you're in a similar state." I finish. "We should just go."

He's quiet for awhile and I'm stuck with my sobs. Snots running out my nose and the pillow was soaked.

"No. No. No." He says it repeatedly like a madman, each time getting louder. "No. No. NO. NO. NO! NO!

"We've just got to hang on a little longer. It's got to be better, I promise."

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"You know, maybe we should kill ourselves." I heard a whisper beside me. "It'd be a lot easier that way."

What did he just say?

I sat up quickly, startled and turned to look at him. He's staring off at the walls. How come he won't look at me?

"Don't say that. Don't you ever say that, it's not right." And I meant it, I didn't want him to ever think that way.

"I don't know… I guess… I guess. Forget I said anything." He tried to leave the bed, but I wasn't through yet. People didn't just say they wanted to kill themselves for no reason. I reached over and took ahold of his wrist. "Let go."

"No." I didn't want him to leave.

He started trying to slip his wrist away, but I wasn't going to let him. His wrist was so thin and small my finger touched each other when they wrapped around it. I grabbed his other one, desperate to make him look at me. Didn't he see I needed him to?

This only seemed to encourage him. He started thrashing harder than before and before I knew it he was crying.

"Just let go." He choked.

"Look at me." I say, trying not to break down. I needed to stay strong- not just for me but for him, too. I hoped he hadn't heard it. "LOOK AT ME."

His eyelids opened, revealing his shiny, brown eyes I always craved to look into. He wasn't looking at me though, rather at my chest. I had the sense that I startled him. "No, look me in the eyes."

He closed his eyes. I could barely see the tear stains on his face shine in the dim lighting. I needed him to look at me. I needed him to.

"LOOK AT ME DAMMIT."

I pushed him down onto the bed and pinned his arms above him. I looked down at him to see his eyes were open.

Why was he saying things like this? Why was I not enough to keep him wanting to live? He's got to be lying- this's got to be a dream. I had to be… it had to be…

"No. No. No." I meant to say it in my head but the look on his face told me I had done otherwise. "No. No. NO. NO. NO! NO!

"DON'T YOU GET IT? THAT'S NOT AN OPTION FOR US AND IT CERTAINLY ISN'T FOR YOU. WE'RE NOT JUST GOING TO GIVE UP BECAUSE SUDDENLY YOU'RE READY TO. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF AND YOU CERTAINLY AREN'T GOING TO DO THIS TO ME." He couldn't do this… could he? The thought of losing him made my voice break so I stopped yelling. I had more to say, so much more, but I couldn't get my mouth to voice it.

I settled for a simple phrase instead.

"We've just got to hang on a little longer. It's got to be better, I promise."

It had to…

Hadn't it?