uuuuuGHHHH

I am in pain most of the time. My pain is physical, yes, but an emotional layer lay dusty, deep beneath the surface. I laugh around other people and I make jokes, say I'm over things, but I can tell you right now, it's all bull.

No, I am not depressed. I am insecure and mad at myself almost constantly. I feel stupid and I feel pathetic and I feel angry for feeling the way I do and I wish that I could change it all and just feel anything other than those three things for one effing minute of my day. So I do yoga and attempt to meditate sometimes, and it works, for a while, but then as I rub my buddhist necklace above the comforter in a room I filled with expensive furniture as if it was a message to my soul, the emotions drip right back in like a dirty, broken, and forgotten faucet.

Why you ask? I literally broke up with a guy I was in love with five years ago, and cannot forget him or let go of him. I am being serious. I was 13 years old and I broke my 17 year old boyfriend's heart for literally no reason at all. I was happy, in love with him, and he gave me constant butterflies. I can't even recall why I got scared and called it off. He did try at one point to touch me, which I told him no and he apologized and that was that, but I wasn't scared about that, more afraid he would think I was ugly or something.

I know what you're thinking. He wanted me for sex, I didn't even know what love was, in fact, we were plain too young to be in love, but I am telling you right now, when my chest physically hurts when I think about him five years later? I had to be in love with him.

He came into my life like a beautiful tsunami and left like the aftermath. On a side note, maybe that is why I am afraid of drowning. Anyways pretty much I just feel stupid because I still think about him a lot and constantly look at his Insta going back to the picture he posted the day after I broke up with him and thinking jesus what is actually wrong with me? I ruined my chance at really what could have been my forever. I actually brought up the courage to talk to him a year or so later, apologizing, thinking it would give me some sort of closure, but he told me he thought he was pressuring me into a serious relationship I wasn't ready for. All I wanted to tell him was that I wanted it back and I was ready, but I closed up and said yea.

I am so sad at myself, I have ruined every other relationship I have had since. All for the same reason: I CAN'T STOP LOVING HIM.