Reality

I was so glad the the school day was over. It wasn’t that I didn’t like school; actually, I loved it. But when one has a person clinging to him like an exuberant child every single day, he gets exasperated quite easily. Kazuki is eighteen like me, a fourth year in high school. By now I had expected that he would grow up, but he seems to be an exception… a very odd exception indeed.

The familiar erratic patter of quick footsteps echoed down the stairs I had just descended. Without looking back, I scurried away from the sound, ducking and twisting through the crowd of students, just managing to remove myself from his line of vision behind a conveniently planted bush. Silently, I prayed he’d pass by the bush and fail to find me.

“Yuriiiii! Don’t leave me behiiiiind!”

I cursed under my breath. He had spotted me. I mentally tallied up the all the possible Yuri’s he could be thinking of. If it was me, I had to think quickly of a good excuse for why I was squatting behind a bush, each option more embarrassing than the former.

My moment was gone too soon. Kazuki’s head popped up over the bush. I slowly got to my feet and brushed twigs off my skirt, hoping to heaven he wouldn’t ask for an explanation.

“Yuri! What were you doing behind that bush?” he asked, his face genuinely puzzled.

“Oh, I was just—I don’t know. Looking for something?” I cringed as I knew my last comment sound almost like a question.

“Right. Looking for something,” he repeated. “Okay.”

“By the way, Kazuki, weren’t you supposed to be heading off the other direction to meet up with your brother? I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

He looked a bit hurt after hearing my statement.

“You sounded as if you didn’t want me to be around.”

“No! I’m sorry, I—”

His face brightened as quickly as it had fallen.

“Aww, thank you, Yuri! I really appreciate that you’re letting me stay. You’ll let me walk with you too, right? ” He flashed his pleading smile at me.

I sighed. Another day of babysitting, watching him get distracted, watching him do stupid things. Last week he had decided that it would be fun to chase a butterfly through the streets. Needless to say, he turned many heads. And never caught the butterfly. I hoped that that scenario would not be repeated.

“Fine. Just don’t get too distracted, okay? Focus, please.”

He nodded importantly and I rolled my eyes. I would be in luck if he even managed to find his own home without getting lost or injured.

It wasn’t long before Kazuki forgot his promise. I was hoping to enjoy a peaceful late summer walk through the park with my mind free to wander amidst the many thoughts swarming about, but this green-haired child simply would not let me. To my surprise, he was walking as though his mind was far away, not noticing that he was frequently bumping my shoulder. It was starting to get annoying, and it was startling to see him apart from his usual bubbly self. His expression was tense, pensive.

“Kazuki, is something bothering you?”

The expression melted into one of bittersweet pain, barely masked by a weak smile.

“No. Nothing at all. Nothing important. Nothing that matters, not anymore...” His voice trailed off.

“What do you mean by that? You looked like you were really worried about something.”

He gave a soft, sad chuckle. “No, Yuri. I promise you, everything’s okay. It’s nothing you have to worry about.”

“So there is something. Kazuki, you can tell me. Even if it’s not something I’ll understand, it can really help just to get it off your chest.”

Kazuki’s brow furrowed and he bit his lip, sucking in a sharp breath. He almost seemed to be in physical pain.

“I—can’t—tell you,” he forced out. “It’s already—ugh!”

My worry intensified. This seriously was not normal behaviour for this guy.

“Let’s sit down,” I suggested, leading him gently to a bench.

“No, no, please. It won’t stop. IT WON’T STOP! There must be some way to escape this. Escape, yes. Escape...” His sudden outburst was followed by unintelligible muttering. Slumped on the bench with his face in his hands, he suddenly seemed very small and helpless.

“Escape what? I don’t understand. Please, let me help you.”

“There’s nothing you can do, Yuri. That’s all I can tell you. It’s just… it’s too much. Somewhere I heard that there is always a way to change—never mind. It hurts, and I can’t stop any of it.”

“What hurts? Are you sick? Or is it something else?”

“I’m not sick. This was never about me in the first place, was it? It’s all just some caustic joke. I’m just some joke. Think about it. When you wade deeper into the sea of time, you drown. I suppose that’s just the way of things, right?”

I was stunned. I opened my mouth and shut it again. Gently reaching in and removing his hands from his eyes and unfurling his clenched fingers, I slipped my hands into his own. The right words simply were not coming.

“Kazuki… I don’t understand how you’re feeling right now. I just know you’re in a lot of pain, and maybe I haven’t been seeing it until now. If that is the truth, I am so terribly sorry for causing you this. But I won’t let you drown. You will not drown.”

He raised his head to look at me, eyes glistening.

“I told you, it’s not about me. But I still can’t stop it. It’s already too late.”

Suddenly, Kazuki let go of my hands and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I could smell the fragrant scent of his shampoo wafting from his messy hair. It brought back many memories, not all fond, but nonetheless, powerful. Slowly, I returned the gesture.

A small smile graced his lips, and he whispered, “Thank you for all that you’ve done for me, Yuri. You are more to me than you could ever imagine. I don’t want to go, I really don’t. But I have no choice, and must leave you now.”

He gulped again, barely holding back his tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I want to do what I can to help you.”

Kazuki reluctantly loosened his grip and stepped back. “Then you can start by forgetting me,” he said firmly.

“What? I can’t just forget you!”

“I have already stayed too long. Goodbye, Yuri.” With a final squeeze of my hand, he turned and headed back the way we had come.

I was frozen in space, trying to process what had just happened. As Kazuki disappeared from view, I felt a little jab in my heart. Why did his goodbye seem so permanent?

The next morning flew by in a daze. Everything seemed so grey, as if the world was fraying and falling apart at the edges. My brain felt fuzzy too, and try as I would, I couldn’t shake off the unsettling feeling. Almost like I was missing something desperately important… No, it couldn’t be. Yesterday’s events must be catching up to me, I suppose.

I decided to get a breath of fresh air to help clear my thoughts. I slipped on a warm sweater and stepped outside into the frosty morning. My breath formed an icy little cloud in front of me as I looked out upon the familiar scape of my neighborhood. I shuddered a bit, wishing that it were a bit warmer. If it were warmer, perhaps the birds would be out to sing. Oddly enough, there was no birdsong to be heard. Not one twitter, not one chirp. Everything was too still, too quiet. I sighed. All I was doing out here was catching a cold.

Suddenly a dart of movement caught my eye. It was a butterfly, not a verdigris one like the one Kazuki had been chasing, but one of an alabaster sheen. I watched it flutter erratically before shakily choosing its destination—my shoulder. Its slender antennae bounced gently as if tossed by a gentle breeze and its big black eyes shone inquisitively. I reached up hesitantly to brush its delicate wings. The moment my fingertip brushed the butterfly’s wing, the lovely insect dissipated into white sand. I jerked my hand back in surprise, watching the sand trickle through my fingers.

What on earth had just happened? I felt a chill go down my spine, almost as if someone hidden were watching me.

The butterfly couldn’t have been a coincidence. Something felt terribly wrong about today.

“Kazuki… I think I’ll check on him,” I said to nobody in particular.

When I arrived at Kazuki’s house, the driveway was empty.

“I guess his parents aren’t home,” I thought.

Stepping up to to the front door, I knocked lightly. There was no answer. After knocking and waiting for five minutes, I felt quite ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all. However, the uneasy feeling of urgency increased. I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob, and quietly turned it. I was surprised that the door was unlocked.

When I peered into the doorway, my heart dropped and a chill passed through my whole body. In the center of the room was a noose, hung from the ceiling fan. A fallen chair marred the smooth view of what should be like a dismal ornament. But there was no body. A wave of dizziness washed over me and I had to lean against the bleak white wall to steady myself.

A soft rustle from upstairs snapped me out of my shocked trance. Silently I ascended the steps, hopeful yet afraid of what I might see. The rustling came again from the room I assumed was Kazuki’s due to the posters taped to the door. I pushed open the half open door…

and promptly covered my mouth. Kazuki was leaned against his bed, a brilliant navy blue jacket coat covered in ornate silver stitchery and buttons draped over his shoulders. If it weren’t for his vacant expression and the rope burn on his neck, he appeared to be ready to play his favourite setlist. Next to him sat his brother Kaage, who was watching me passively. I’d rarely seen his brother, as he preferred to keep to himself. His eyes bore dark rims and his black hair formed greasy strands that hung in his eyes. An empty bottle of pills lay just out of his reach.

“I thought he would want to be wearing his favourite outfit for his last bit of time. All that’s left to do now is wait,” Kaage whispered.

“Kaage, no. I’ll get help. What happened?”

I knelt and pulled out my phone, ready to dial the emergency number.

Kaage reached out and snatched the phone out of my hand, throwing it against the wall.

“It’s too late. Don’t call anyone. I will stay by my brother’s side, forever,” he insisted, forcefully.

Ignoring Kaage’s request, I picked up my phone from the other side of the room. No matter what buttons I pressed, it wouldn’t turn on. Surely there was another phone in this house. I started to get up.

“Don’t bother. I made sure to disable all communications. My brother needs me. I need him. I don’t know if you know, but our parents have not been on good terms at all, and for the longest time were considering a divorce. This morning—it was so unexpected—they told us that they would be attending a counseling session and getting help for that which they could not resolve on their own. I was hopeful for once, but Kazuki was angry, which I suppose I can understand. He made some accusations, and they parted ways. Not long after they had left, a friend of the family notified Kazuki and I that… that there had been a fatal accident.”

The grief was evident in his dull eyes and his voice grew noticeably weaker. “Kazuki and I both retreated to our rooms. I tried to be there for him, but he wanted space. I stayed out of his way… but I shouldn’t have; I should have been there! Now you see what I have done. I have failed so much, and now this is a fitting punishment. Or perhaps it is a blessing, that none of our family will live to be in lifelong pain.”

A small smile graced his lips.

Tears began to fill my eyes.

“I had no idea, Kaage, I had no idea. Kazuki had never told me any of this. He always seemed so cheerful around me, I would never have guessed. That is, not until yesterday. Yesterday, he acted rather strange, and I was startled, but didn’t let it sway me from my course. If only I had cared less about myself, and been a better… a better friend. It’s not your fault, Kaage, it’s mine. I could have stopped him. I should have realized how he was feeling, how much he hurt.”

Kaage shook his head in defeat. “What’s done is done, and there is no turning back. Fault doesn’t even matter anymore. My brother, my twin, my best friend, is never coming back. And neither am I.” He peered at me curiously. “You said you spoke with him yesterday? Kazuki told me about you. He wrote something yesterday that he told me to give to you when I saw you. You are Yuri, correct? He really cared about you.”

“Kazuki—he talked about me?” I didn’t realize that others cared enough to talk about me.

Kaage nodded and wordlessly handed my a simple handwritten note.

I unfolded it, and frowned in confusion.

LHEV, s1rif3hj5t s2hi yc7rm4ex9v tl0nn6a3rtz3rk1oo9p3fm5di tq4as6hx5t uw5od7y ev8re1uf2gb9ir3f tg4un5o. nt7I sh6im2hy9t eu1tj5oa3n oz7t ux4oc0y i9I lo3lp8il1w n2pi7la4ol6kp0mx5ie e9jm1no8us t1hn3ba4yt0gr6vo5tp7fm0ci s2rl8di9xa1et4se7zd. 0wI t3a’5qnd9ak2c tn8es6l ek4nf1o8cyj0n3va ex9s3hl7de d4na1ze5mr sc9i2mhg0t, t5ju1wb x7I w4vos6nb8k uz3o9hy n4iao2c oj7d sx8i0thu3t. ts5I l9fln2iy4w eb6b t7ml0hu3rcx8i9dfv6fj4i1kd, t7suw2b c8I eg5pn0o3yh uq6ox7y l4ml9zi2dw d1bnv8i0mf s5xi7bh3vt ls6un2fj4pp9le0e8yh.

s8I l3jex0ez6f th2av7h4tt gh8nr9iw1h0nt3wez2m4uo7ps s8ri g6an9bim1o2fg y3vlt5b7zi4arw8rn0e6ht g3vnd9of4rj7w, ri0o s6li gq8nl2i1wox9g o3kt o7vg yn4lx5ba0i2qrx6r8uez7t gs3nt9o4xr1bw. g0nnt7ij8h3ptw4ef2m5hs6o1kS th9ur0o fm1o yz7m l4go2jr5qt3e1fnh9ol0c, rb7o s2mpg3a1khn9res5p 2hI dz7l3bu6ho0yc yy4ak8s, p1I m5fa g3jns9it2eu7b d5ne1xl4bli9o3kr2qtv8n0uor6c. l1qlx8A fh9o s3wu e1srz6a. LHEV, uf2o8xy td4’9wna7ox0w et1vd7eb8iz9l3je0qb s2qih4h6ct, t5yus9b m3o’x8I tg3o2jn ex6rh2uk4s sq1’r9t0na5chg7w l2kaf5ez8r r1uo e4su3vr9wt ew2rj0of8mi5y1pn7ha. w2I y3xrb9t ov4t e1hg6pnh8ar0hq2c yt3r5woz4tq8sn2i0ih, t7au1jb sy3ec9mk4i6otw2el0mf5oz7s d1I rt8ep0dx6nm4o7lw fy8i est9o2xha0t s4ne8jc5bi2soz0hv3c Ig7 tv2px4mn9e1qti0tz6a oa8t e3wk5jas7m nh2i n4roa9ie5l1mlh7ep1bx8ey0r e2qrv4a lx6l5na t3mx9r1ja4pp f3ho 6va c2dik5t8isz0in1dq7ae9s nq3a4yl2up, d6jnf8a et7w e5ir2ba e9fk0kiw1l st8t3heo4px5pz2u7cp dq6e2jll3ld1u5fp n4fo sy7gq9nf0ie3rh4t7js. 1oI nt5ax8c ej9eq6s ef1hb0t s2dei7g5rdu0e fa8o s2sir6hx3t dv4lm9r1kow7w g2jnd3i5kyi8at6r0lf, gn7nt9i4dr1yaa8e5kt t4irv0a3jpx6a… d1unr5a c9I m7oa dw3e4hrk6al2c1ds r9ios5f uq7o9cy.

LHEV, w8I ey9vq3on1l u0fo5ky. t4I ti2nz6ax7w ul9o1uy o0vt ej8v2mis4l ny5i mq6o3gdv1ez7eb8rl9f, t2ro1kn dj7ez9pw3pg4ak7r2ot n1qi 8na e6uf3xi9plj1-o0ff2lx4aw5h. uq7ok0Y l9ql6dik0w d8un5oiw4f ti2u3ho n5poj1or9s hj7gk8uy6o4knd1e tr8aq0hm2w 3pI nr5ax6e7wm. y4ra1ktf0S ey6f2qa9hs, de7n8ga r1ue3jb4km5ter9mw0e6xr, I love you. ~-.- .- --.. ..- -.- ..

“I don’t understand the meaning of this. What on earth was Kazuki thinking? Kaage, do you know anything about—Kaage? Oh no...”

Kaage had joined his brother in eternal slumber. Unlike his brother, he still looked quite alive, though I felt the absence of his heartbeat. His head rested on Kazuki’s shoulder.

“Together to the end, huh?” I whispered, numbly, unable to believe anything that had happened.

“How did this happen? So much tragedy all in one day. It’s not real. It can’t be real. It’s too much of a coincidence, like an unsavoury plot twist gone south.”

I chuckled darkly; I could feel the hidden terror building inside of me.

“This isn’t real, is it? I’m just dreaming in a world of death and destruction. I’ll wake up soon to see a brighter day. We all will. I’ll find a way out of this nightmare.”

I waited and tried to force myself to wake up, but no matter the amount of pinching and struggling, the same images remained before my eyes.

“No, no, no, no! I have to be dreaming. But I’m not. Maybe I won’t be real either when this all ends.

I’ll just disappear like Kazuki, Kaage, and their parents. But I can’t disappear. This world in all its cruelty won’t let me. What is this world? Are we all just subject to its whims, stripped of free will? Is our free will just an illusion? What is reality, if there is no freedom and nothing is real? There is no purpose, NOTHING LEFT NOW!”

My sudden outburst surprised me. “Whatever Kazuki wanted to tell me, I hope it will help me, give me even a tiny taste of understanding.”

I looked over the note in my hand once again. “Please. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I can’t do it on my own. But maybe, if I play into the hands of fate, which I’m not even sure I believe in anymore, we can do this together, if that’s my only choice. Help me find true reality.”