Love is conflict; Growth
It took the flu and one more halluscination that didn't include you to realize you were gone. Scrolling through Facebook videos in my fever induced comatose I found a video talking about conflict and love by Annie Lalla. Love is not care free, love does not take a little. It takes everything... With conflict comes growth and that is why when you were lost we seperated and when I had struggles we didn't know what to do.
Then came you...
I didn't understand how I could hate and love you until I heard it from Lalla. "I love you more than I hate you." So it is possible and I'm not the only one. My heart tore, it bent, it broke and it shattered, but it grew...
It grew out of you...
You were my coat, uncomplicated and always there. You kept me warm and comfortable, hidding my insecurities. I could take it off in the summer and when it was cold outside you'd comfort me in any situation. No matter what task or voyage I'd wear you from place to place. You were my coat.
You, you were four walls...
You had so much, you built and were given. You collected and created four walls for anyone who needed shelter. They always say make sure your cup was full, you made sure your house was a home. Shelves filled with your education, Chachkies from friends and the world. I couldn't just take you off, everytime I wanted your love I had to enter those four walls. When we fought I learned to not just slam the door. I learned to sit at the table and bite my tounge. I learned to listen to your heart and not just words.
You inspired me to build...
I started to pave the foundation for my walls. To build a life where I could nurture those that needed it without taking from myself. I wanted more love but not selfishly. I wanted an adult love. A healthy built home and someone who has thier own. Where we could take the best of ourselves and build a new home. The blanket I've had since I was eight. The make shift desk. They art you hang on your walls that represents your culture and history. I don't want just some warmth, I want those four walls...