Be Careful What You Wish For

I often feel like I should have been born a guy. Other guys treat me like one of them, I feel like I have the same logic as a man (most of the time), even my favorite article of clothing--the wonderful T-shirt--is usually purchased in the men’s section of stores. I always feel like more of a guy than I do a girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a girl, but if I woke up as a man, I wouldn’t mind at all.

The first thing I’d do is touch my body. Does it feel stronger? Does it feel nicer? Do I look attractive? I’d probably be a pretty boy artist, but my direction in life would be the same. Make art. Gain success. Get rich. Be happy.

What does my voice sound like? As a girl I feel like I sound like a 12 year old boy. Would I now sound like a boy who actually hit puberty, or would I still have that 12 year old voice that I think sounds gross, but funnily cute? I would use that voice to share my opinions as much as I do already. Would the topic of men’s rights coming out of my mouth sound more self-centered than when I discuss it as a girl? Would my views be boiled down to “You’re just saying that because you have male privilege” or would there be at least a little authority on the issue as someone who is a man? As a woman I receive the “internalized misogyny” angle on this issue, but I also can’t get bogged down by “male privilege.” I have more presence, I have more reach.

What about my friendships? Would I have more of them or less of them? It’s never been easy for me to make friends, but is it my gender? Would I find the camaraderie I sometimes crave as a man? Or would I be the loner male type that gets avoided by the plague? Would my awkwardness be just as apparent in male form as it is in female form? Am I doomed?

And my relationships? I often joke that if I was a man, I would be gay because I just love men so much, but would that truly be the case if I suddenly became one. Would my sexual orientation change? In fact, this raises the question, does my brain change when I wake up as a man, or am I still the same girl on the inside with the exterior of a man on the outside? How scary to think I wouldn’t be the same person, or that I wouldn’t present the way I was used to.

These questions would run through my mind, unsure of who I truly am, unsure of what this all is. Am I still who I am, or am I someone new? I can remember my past life, but does that mean I have that life? When I step out this door, will everything be different or will it all be the same, but me? Will I walk among people in another body with the same brain trying to find a new brain to fit this shell?

Take me back, please. I beg whoever did this. Just take me back.