Interview with Dr. Charles Swanson

Below is the transcript of an interview with Dr. Charles Swanson, the man upon whom is based the upcoming thriller, Killer Therapy. (The interviewer’s questions are taken from Marcel Proust’s Questionnaire.)

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Helping beautiful, sad women achieve the eternal release they desire.(Interviewer’s note: This was said with a beatific smile and no hint of remorse with regard to the cold-blooded murder this statement indicates.)

What is your current state of mind?

Annoyed? Impatient? Indifferent.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

There is no such thing. Neither term, together or separately. Clearly, perfection exists only in the abstract. The infinitesimal space between what is and what can be. What should be. What God, assuming He exists, hoped for. What God Is. Man can never attain it. So too happiness. Can you even define happiness for me? I can’t. I certainly have never experienced such an elusive state of being. Nor have most of my patients. I can live with it. They, alas, cannot.

What is your favorite occupation? (Replies with a small smile.)

We should probably skip this question…although I might go with orgasm. Isn’t that everyone’s favorite…occupation isn’t the right word…but you understand me.

What is your most treasured possession?

That’s easy. I would have to say, my deceased mother’s wedding band which I have in a metal box still attached to her finger. (Interviewer fails at staying objective and gags.)

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Silly question, child. I do not love. That should be clear to even you. (Said disparagingly to interviewer. No offense taken.)

When and where were you the happiest?

As I mentioned earlier, happiness does not exist or, if it does, which I do not believe, then I have not experienced it and therefore cannot have a happiest moment to share with you. Next question.

What is it that you most dislike?

(Looks at interviewer like a mosquito that should be squashed.)I might say people. But more than that, I would say conversing. Pretending an interest in what anyone thinks or has to say is an exhausting endeavor. Outside of my practice, of course. I am the soul of engaged listener with my patients. During office hours.

What is your greatest fear?

You’re joking. Why fear? Wasted energy. Next question.

Which living person do you most despise?

(Same look as above.) Hatred is a strong feeling. I do not have those. To hate, one must needs love. I do not. As I have already stated…although…if I did despise and I had to answer, I suspect you would win the award at this moment. But since I don’t, not to worry…

What is your greatest regret?

I don't have any regrets. If I had to answer, I might say getting caught, but that would be a lie since there was never any doubt that I would end my days in a cell. So, I guess my greatest regret at this moment would be consenting to grace you with an interview.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? (Stares at interviewer.)

Responding to the meaningless drivel you attribute to journalistic rigor. Or something…

What quality do you most admire in a man? Man or woman, the ability to be silent is a wonderful quality.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I have no qualities that I deplore. Nor any that I love if that is your next question.

What trait do you most deplore in others? (Laughs uncontrollably.)I cannot name one trait that I deplore. There are too many.

What do you most value in your friends?Surely you jest. As you can well imagine, I do not have friends.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? I guess it would be Jesus. (Laughs) Just kidding. Dr. Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs, Thomas Harris. For his mind, not his deeds. He was not trying to save those he, well, ate. I am. A much more noble calling, don’t you think? (Laughs.) Or perhaps Satan would be my favorite, umm, hero of fiction. Paradise Lost, John Milton, in case you were wondering.

Who are your real-life heroes?

Really child, you’re joking, right? We have established that I have no friends, I do not like people and I do not love. Next question.

Which living person do you most admire?

Please, stop being an imbecile. Next question.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Virginity. (Laughs.)Kidding. That is the second most overrated virtue. The first is morality (which might encompass all virtues, I suppose). There is no black and white, only gray. Let’s talk about my favorite topic. If all life is valuable, why is not okay to kill a fetus, but perfectly acceptable to kill prisoners who may or may not be guilty of that with which they are charged? Or to kill in wars, declared or otherwise? If you kill a man walking down a street for no apparent reason, it is wrong. At least, that is what I was taught growing up. If you are a soldier (or perhaps even a civilian) and kill a man walking down a street who your government considers an enemy, you are a hero. Even if within days, the same man would be considered a friend of said government. Even if a few months prior, your government gave him the guns to shoot mutual enemies. See? Gray. If I am helping people attain what they most desire, that is, their own…passing…why is it wrong? It’s not. It’s simply illegal. Who made those rules? Certainly not those suffering who only want to be set free. There is no good and evil. Only rules, laws…that change with the minds of those who enact them.

On what occasions do you lie?

I suppose I could counter that with on what occasions do I not lie? But really, I find I have no need to lie. People are perfectly capable of hearing what they want or expect to hear and deluding themselves.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

You’re joking.

How would you like to die?

Unlike my patients, I have no desire to hurry death, my dear. In my bed of old age and/or quickly - either would be perfectly acceptable.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

There is no need to change anything about me. For whom? For what purpose?

If you were to die and come back…what would you be? (Sigh)

Alive. Again.

What is your motto?

Never regret.