The Swing

When I was 9 I had a dream that changed my life forever. It was one of those viceral dreams that feels real for minutes after you wake up. I wanted to hold on to the vestigial emotions as long as I could.

I dreamt I was a girl.

In the dream I was at the park on the swings. I had a dress on and it ruffled with the wind of the swinging arc. My hair was long and blowing around my face. My neighbor friend, Stacey, was there and she laughed a joyful laugh as she said, “Look Ted! You’re a girl!” as if it was the most normal yet most wonderful thing. My heart was flying out of me with wings of it’s own, propelled by the swing, a full sense of freedom.

Then I woke up.

I hugged my pillow holding on to that feeling. Being a girl. It just made me feel whole and free and home. I had never identified as a girl before. I was a boy. I had boy friends, caught frogs, played baseball, got dirty. I was also shy and sensitive and sometimes called gay. But I knew I liked girls. It was very clear to me that was my preference. What I hadn’t fully understood, until that dream, was that not only did I like girls but I also wanted to be a girl. I wanted to dress like one and look like one and have people see me as one. This dream unlocked that for me.

When the happy dream feeling wore off I was terrified. What could I do to get back that euphoric feeling? How could I tell anyone? Who would ever understand this? The journey both internal and external of making this transition was long and winding and often painful but the pure joy I felt from that dream sustained me through the most difficult of times.

It would take a few years to have my family and friends understand and accept me as a girl. It would take more years to go through the medical process of becoming one. Now I am a full-fledged girl. But much more important than that, I am a happy whole human being living as I was meant to live.

One morning I woke up and I was a girl. And it made my life complete.