I Tried. I Tried. I Tried.

I worked my whole life

To get close to a belief that I had never questioned

I never had the courage to ask questions

So I just let pastors put labels on my heart

And I had priests tell me that I was forgiven for sins I never really felt bad about committing.

I tried

I tried

I tried

No matter how much I tried

No matter how much I pleaded

No matter how much a bled

I could never force myself to feel safe.

"Are you saved?" they ask.

No. I always thought no,

But I always said yes.

"Yes, I am saved. The devil can't get me"

But the devil already had me.

Darkness and sulfur ran through my veins.

I was beyond salvation the moment I sat down and had a drunken conversation with an old man who claimed to be satan.

I had seen satan, and this old man wasn't him. But the conversation was riveting.

We spoke of the levels of pain

And how the church is oblivious to the hell people are living in on a regular basis.

They are so busy trying to keep people out of this hell that their good book speaks of

That they don't concern themselves with the hell that reeks havoc in people's hearts and minds.

I tried

I tried

I tried

But I have failed.

I have walked away.

I cannot force myself to fall in love

With hypocrites who will only love me if I sit like a lady under the steeple every Sunday morning.

I cannot get close to a belief or a savior

That I'm not sure exists.

I have been to hell.

I have been to heaven.

And I can guarantee you that you won't find either place by sitting in a chapel or confessing in a confessional.

The universe is vast.

It is full of light and dark

Love and hate

Offense and forgiveness.

Everything we need is already blooming in the garden of our lives.

There is no need to try to fit into a mold you know you aren't meant for

No need to feel like you need saving

When you have two arms and a million stars ready to wrap around you at any moment.

I tried.

I failed.

But dammit, I lived.

-AshleyAnne