Heavy to a Warmth
Everything is heavy
Uncomfortably warm
Drained
Some of us still have jackets on
I don’t know why
My veins feel like they are being filled with lava
Smooth, feverous, and so, so heavy
My thoughts are muddled
They always are
Right?
I know the girl in front of me
She’s sweet and kind
Motivative, supportive, but wearied
Her head lowers every minute that passes
The guy to the right of me is also a friend
He’s clever and has a sharp tongue but exhausted
Exaggerated scribbles cover his page
Insomnia has always plagued us both
The boy behind me I also know
Not well like the others,
But I do know him
He plays soccer & has a girlfriend
He also plays the guitar
The pencil he’s holding droops
Conversation pops up through the class
It never stays long
The default is heavy, heavy silence
But we appreciate it nonetheless
A reminder of those alive around us
A song plays through my headphones
The beat is different
It’s a song from my childhood
I forgot the name the minute I walked into the classroom
I forgot my name too
My leg sways back and forth
Not to any rhythm except to the thoughts in my head
Eleven minutes left
But time never has any real meaning
At least to us
Someone walks past me
Stifling a yawn
The breeze that follows is the same temperature as the sodden air
It never really changes
Every thought is numb and slow
It might have to do with the whole not sleeping thing
Or maybe because I haven’t had food today
But that’s neither here nor there
I trace my veins lightly with a pen
They are large and green
It bugs me that they don’t match my left hand
Those are tiny and purple
Never beating fast enough for this world
My glasses fall off so I put them back on
This repetition will follow us forever
Eternally
Perpetually
A bell rings somewhere
People move
I don’t
I’m not sure why
But I know I’m supposed to leave
For somewhere else
My head drops lower
I don’t hear the music anymore
The earbuds are gone
My glasses too
I hear my Chromebook closing in front of me
A sweet familiar voice asks me a question
I’m not sure what question though
I open my eyes and I see the face of the person I trust most
A friend doesn’t even begin to cover it
She’s crouching next to me
I don’t think she goes to this class
No one else is here
No one ever is
Why is she here?
Are….no...am I okay?
Her face looks concerned
She’s asking another question
This time I can understand it
No, I’m not feeling okay
I think I shake my head
She sits on the floor next to me
I close my eyes again
My teacher asks her a question
It sounds muffled and bleak
Not sure what it’s asking though
She laughs it off
Her laugh is so sweet
I hear music again
A soft voice singing
“Si tu n'étais pas là”
An English voice singing French words to a French song
The irony is always lost on me
The warmness around me
Is sweet now
Not heavy like it once was
I close my eyes again
And feel warmth
--
This is an old poem about the same lovely person from the Yellow poem, who I am unfortunately still in love with. I suffer from several disabilities, the big one being chronic neurological pain, and depression, which leads to me being fatigued, and feeling heavy. This poem starts off in my algebra class which was right before my lunch and walks through my observations of people around me, and then to slowly falling asleep, and my dear best friend finding me and convincing the teacher to leave me alone, and then singing sweetly.