Fool for Love

I have lost count how many times I have said goodbye to him.

We went three months without talking once, that's our best record yet.

I have sat with my girl friends, talking over wine about how much better off I am.

They are proud of me for ending it.

He was too young, too emotional, too selfish, too needy.

My mom even flew down to California to help me break up with him the first time.

I cried in the restaruant when I told her I didnt know what to do, and she held me like a child, right there during the dinner rush.

I was so grateful she did because for the first time in a long time I felt safe.

But then a month goes by. He finally stops calling.

Two months go by, nothing.

Three. My coach calls me and says come back to class, he misses me.

I am an actress you see.... So is he.

Our love began and ended on that stage.

We were crazy in love, playing insane characters and then taking it home to the bedroom.

We thrived getting lost in that identity, getting lost in cinema, and theatre and our dreams.

We would share a fifth of whiskey and fuck in his car before we went on stage, then give the performance of a life time. The sound of a standing ovation ringing in our ears.

Hows that for a high?

And when we shot a film cast as a pair of coked out bank robers who die togehter...

I mean come on.

Our identities were wrapped around each other our hearts ruled by ego.

So when I finally came back, and there he was, how could I not?

After all the work I have put in spiritually, emotionally, physically to get over him, suddenly I am picking up his calls.

My body gets anxiety, my mind says run run run, but last week he was in my bed, then again on Saturday, then again last night.

The rules have changed, we are not together.

We are just drawn to each other like magnets who cant let go of the past and all I feel is shame.

Shame that I can't give him what he wants, yet we are playing each other.

Shame that I can't rise above.

Shame that I can't tell any of my friends, or ask for advice becasue they will roll their eyes and admonish me.

Shame that I can't tell me mother because she knows he is toxic and she would lose all faith in my ability to make decisions.

But mostly, ashamed of myself for allowing this to ache all over again.