Fear and Faith

I know this is long and please excuse the grammar and punctuation!

I am using my sons notebook and it has no spell check or editing options on here.

Fear is an emotion that has ruled most of my life honestly!

Something that was embeded in me at a very young age.

Abandonment, abuse, the destruction of my self esteem,

and self confidence was inevitable. Life seemed to hate me

from day one!

Over the years I made one bad choice after the other, never

felt good enough and tried everything in my power to make

people love me! I became a people pleaser and hater of self

without even realizing the destruction happening in my wake.

Not only destructive patterns for me but for those around me.

I became very selfish, yet needy at the same time.

I spent years in this darkness, scared of everything! Scared to win,

scared to lose so many times I just would not try! I believed all

of the bad things I was told about myself from a young age and

by being abandoned, it confirmed even the more in my head and

subconscience.

I always believed in God no matter where or how I was living my life,

but I honestly didn’t feel worthy of Him either. I ran from God as well.

There were times that I tried very hard to get close to Him but because

I did not feel His presence I convinced myself He had turned His back

on me as well.

No matter who you are, people need something to believe in. Even those

that do not believe spend a lot of time trying to prove there is nothing to believe in.

Where I went wrong was listening to man! Religous indoctrination, the

Joel Osteens of the world only in it for monotary gain! Not to put down Joel,

this has been going on for centeries. Give me your money, your land and

your deceased loved ones can be saved! (Early Catholisism)

So much evil has been done in the name of religeon and honestly, the

more I searched for my peace at these big fancy buildings full of smoke

screens and mirrors; I started to feel sick about it! Seriously, I would get

nauseated and alot of times angry! I felt worse everytime I went to church.

And, once again fear was a factor according to what I was being fed!

My loyalty to the church was questioned because the “pastor” believed

that I was a prophet and he wanted to make money off of the gifts that

God had given me in that particular season of my life!

I do not claim to be a prophet; I do have dreams and visions but only when

God wants me to have them. Those are Gods gifts, not mine! I don’t ask for

any insight concerning these apsects of my walk. I will as for His guidence in

my life and ask Him for safety and to keep me on the right path! I was told

by God in my spirit not to title what He chooses to give me when He decides

so I do not!

Back to the fear! I have been ill on and off all of my life and have always been scared

of death. In 2012 I was diagnosed with a disease the doctors told me was esily treated

with short term anibioctics. Little did I know this would be the beggining of Hell,

if this is what Hell is in the physical! I don’t know! It took a good two years to start

really bringing me down and I lived in fear daily thinking any minute I would die.

Once again I was abandoned by all but a very few friends, my family assumed that

I had created this torment myself and wanted to have me commited to a mental ward.

Scared of being drugged up, locked up and alone; I went inside myself! I started trying

to fake how I felt though the fear was always present. What else could I do?

Being stigmatized by the medical community and my peers; I had no choice! I had even reached out to a pastor that told my it was my fault I was not healed due to my lack of faith! That hit me pretty hard and turned me even further away from the church!

Already feeling worthless, the thought of other’s looking at me the same way was

horrible! I could see it in the way they looked at me, the comments made and

the whispers behind my back! Afterall, overnight I went from a college educated

woman successfully running a finance company to a pile of mush laying on the

floor everyday screaming in pain begging someone to help help me! Anyone!

But no one did!

I shut myself away in my apartment alone and scared! I left only to go to the doctor.

No one came about me unless my teenage son decided to come home.

By this time I could no longer drive or shop for myself. I was falling down, having

blindspells and all over jerking episodes. I stopped telling other’s about it because

they made it clear they did not want to hear about it. These fears were mine to face alone!

one night while in the corner of my bedroom floor crying and begging God to help me

if I was not too far gone for Him to hear me; I felt a sense of peace for the first time.

I think for the first time in my life. It did not last long but I knew it was real and that

I needed more of it! This started my journey on the way to find the truth about God!

Who is God really? I knew He was something more that I had been taught because I

never met Him in a building or felt His presense like I did laying there on my floor

broken and alone.

I began to ask God to show me the old way to Him, the real way! I had no clue

where to start or if I would find it but I embarked on this journey! Still begging God

to heal me, still making mistakes and not knowing which direction to turn!

I kept asking and kept trusting. It’s been another three years and alot of suffereing

but I have not given up on God and I know He has not given up on me. I have

seen so much take place on this journey, things I know could only be God!

My family has come around and I now live in an apartment just off of my brother’s

house. My sister n law is a registered nurse so when I do feel bad she checks on me.

All of the friends I lost were replaced by other’s who are on this medical and spiritual journey with me. I have a support system that I never thought was possible!

Still, I ask God to show me the ancient path apart from today’s world and

the way some choose to walk. God showed me a scripture that I have seen I can’t

tell you how many times before and it stood out to me like a light in the darkness!

Jeremiah 6:16 has shown me to pray, ask and wait for the answers. No matter what

it is; I stand and wait! I no longer ask, get impatient and run into traffic on my own

causing me to get run over by things that I created by not listening and waiting.

I am not going to say that I am no longer sick but I don’t worry over it like I use to.

The fear no longer consumes me. I don’t worry whether I am good enough and I

don’t worry over who stays or goes in my life anymore! God has given the self esteem

and confidence that was stolen from me at such a young age in life! Actually, it’s

not my confidence at all but His! I have no strength, no control and no abilities

outside of God! Without His grace; I would not draw another breath!

I don’t even ask for healing anymore! I ask God what He wants me to do for His will

and purpose. I do this because where I use to live in fear I now live in Faith!

The physical pain I have here on earth is something I am willing to bear to keep

the peace I have found through Christ Jesus! God allowed this experience to

take me out of the world and set me apart so He could save me!

Not only myself but I have seen changes in the family and my friends. I do not

judge or even talk to them about God but I pray over them. The thing is; no one

can come to God unless He calls them and I don’t have to try and talk to them

about God, some are no coming to me with questions and they didn’t believe before.

That’s Not of me or any specialty I have; that’s the power and Glory of God!

I have trials and still somedays I have to pray harder through the pain but

God showed up for me at a place and time that I really doubted I was good

enough for even Him!

The ancient ways! The first were called Followers of The Way and that’s the

kind of Christian I seek to be!