You Heard It Here First

Sometimes, every once in a while, when they’re not too busy with their dastardly deeds, the monsters, ghosts, zombies, witches, and whatevers all congregate in a dense forest. It doesn’t matter where, because they all know, somehow. When the night is darkest and even the moon, afraid, hides behind the clouds, this group of beings gathers around a campfire to tell stories. What kinds of stories do they tell? It’s a secret, the most important one there is.

“Get on with it already, I’m tired and hungry,” the ghoul exclaims. He’s a very impatient sort, you know. All ghouls are, it's a fault in the species.

“AAAAAH!” The banshee screeches - I don’t know what she thinks she’s accomplishing, but every time, every damned time!

“The ghosts are arriving. Now we can start,” the demon says, and we all agree with him. It’s important to respect rank.

“Does anyone want to start?” asks the witch. She’s actually very nice, when she’s not trying to boil your organs into a potion, that is.

“Me, me! I’ll start, I’ve got one!” The ghoul shouts. Predictable as always.

“I was walking along, you know, just checking out the humans in town, minding my own business, when - you know what I saw? Guess,” the ghouls starts.

“A...skinny human?” the demon asks. He’s got a great sense of humor, and we all laugh appreciatively. No one wants to find out what would happen if we didn’t.

“No, no! It was worse than that, your greatness! It was - it was - a vegan restaurant!”

“Disgusting!”

“Abhorrent!”

“I know,” the ghoul cries, “Who even thought of that? It’s awful, it’s terrible. I mean I never, in all my life and death, have seen such an atrocity. I couldn’t stay there after seeing that! It was traumatizing! You know this trend isn’t going away - I ate a vegan the other day, and it was simply the worst. I could literally, and I do mean literally, taste the plant-based lifestyle. What am I going to do?”

“Yes, I do agree, vegans are against everything I stand for,” the zombie joins in.

Nods all around, we acknowledge our mutual distaste for vegans. But we’re just getting started, don’t you worry. In case that wasn’t terrifying enough, the witch decides to tell a story. I’m particularly fond of her stories, there’s just something, I don’t know, magical about them.

The witch starts, “I recently discovered that humans do something, it’s called a job -”

The mummy wants clarification on what a job is, the poor ignorant (lack of a) soul.

“Anyway,” the witch continues, “they do this job five days a week, for eight hours a day! And it’s often the same types of tasks, the whole day, for the rest of their lives, until they die! The monotony!”

“You’re referring to a nine-to-five. I helped invent them, you know,” the demon says, proud of himself.

“And may I say, what an invention it was. The absolute dullness! And they never ride a broomstick, or make a potion, or make use of the dark forces in their evil schemes,” the witch says, looking at all of us in turn, really emphasizing the horror of it all.

The ghost shivers dramatically, which I think is a bit much. We all get it, humans have an endless capacity for horrifying us.

“I’ve got a story,” the demon says, and we fix our attention on him. This promises to be a horror to end all horrors.

“I was doing my everyday work of ruining humans’ lives, when I saw a human, collecting money for - it’s a difficult phrase, excuse me - helping the poor. The terrifying thing was that he wasn’t stealing the money for himself, which would be acceptable and proper, but he was actually - another difficult word - donating the money to a - here we go again - charitable organization. The complete audacity of humans- they can do such terrible things sometimes, and I really thought I had seen, and even pushed them into, all of it. They continue to surprise me with their capacity for horribleness,” the demon states.

The demon’s story truly is the most horrifying of all. Charity, goodness, care for the fellow soul? These ideas are despicable to us, even speaking about them out loud is discouraged.

The night wraps up and everyone goes their separate ways. There are things to be done, of course, but I know we will all be a bit more wary. These stories will continue to haunt us long after the night turns to day.

What am I talking about, you say? You asked for a true story, and I told you one. Oh, I see. You think I’m being witty. Really, I wish I had the talent for storytelling. You’ll notice that in my so-called story, I stayed silent. There’s nothing special or creative about what I just told you. After all, I was there.