we’re tasting cold, bitter stars burning sharp in December nights

Sometimes, I wonder where am I heading now. I wonder if it will be harder to run or to dig my heels in the concrete and stay. I wonder whether you would’ve screamed if I took the stars and shattered them cold in the space between us that day. I wonder if I would have bled blue & black. I wonder if you would have set the floor ablaze in return. I wonder, how would have you looked then? How would have I felt? I think I would have been angry, an ugly red feeling raging inside me. I think I would have taken your heart and stomped on it until it crushed to dust; until my heart started to beat again. But I don’t think it would ever beat agian. I think you would have been watching me as I broke you apart, your eyes staring at me intensely. I think you would have stood, wide-eyed and lips tight as I drowned our world in red. And later, I would’ve regretted it. 

Instead I let the stars hang, shine bright and my heart beating loud in my ears - I walked away. Skin cold, breath held in my throat and anger simmering beneath my bones - I left. You were silent. I could feel the distance between us increasing. I didn’t know where I was going, my mind was numb. You were silent. And I think - that changed everything. And I think I felt sorry in the end. And I think - I must’ve never loved you; we must’ve never loved each other. 

Because love shouldn’t hurt like this. Like each beat in you is filled with sharp, cold glass. Like each step forward is ten times backwards.

Because when I ever saw you, I wasn’t looking at you. I never did, until that day. I was staring at the December night sky as my hands gripped yours tight. 

And you never looked at me. I know this because you told me in the silence of our aftermaths. In the cold silence left behind in our collisions. The only time you and I talked and listened to each other. 

I think we were falling before we met and in the middle of the Fall, we found each other and held on to each other. But we couldn’t stay floating forever and we had to let go. 

We let go.

and now, I think we were met to fall in the end. 

(even though, I didn’t want to. Still wished I hadn’t) (even though, my heart still feels hollow sometimes in your absence) 

and sometimes, I wonder where am I heading now. I wonder if it will be harder to run or to dig my heels in the concrete and stay. 

And I think - everything will be easier now. 

Never easy, but easier.