7 Days of Empty Thoughts

Seven days. Perhaps each day represents one of the seven deadly sins? You see, a sickening and disturbing emotion caused me to awaken on a seemingly typical day while inching its way through my fragile limbs.

I woke up to see an ominous text on my phone and that’s how I found out. That’s how I found out that mine and everyone else’s lives were being cut short by the hands of some demonic creature as it plagued us. I’ve had an existential crisis before, but nothing like the one I had on this first damned day. I knew everything I’d ever done in the past was meaningless. I mean everything as it won’t be remembered, I have no kin to pass my stories down to so that they can pass those down to their kin and I have no remarkable achievements to look back on. I am sixteen years of age. In 5483 days of living I have done nothing useful or to be proud of. I can tell you what I have done. I’ve hurt people. I’d tell several woman at the same time that I loved them and would never hurt them or be with another. I mean for god sake I’m only sixteen and I’ve broken more hearts than most people would do in a life time and without a care at that. I would woe several women at once, just laughing as I tricked them with my phoney and empty "feelings." Then, I would purposefully give hints that I wasn't loyal. That's when it got good. I would show my attention was divided when I was with them, I would become distant and cold while they were left to wonder why and I would then give them hope by telling them they were imagining it and they began to think they were becoming insane due to their own paranoia. Because how could I, the perfect man, do such a thing as be disloyal? How could I do this when I love you? Oh right, she only THINKS I love her because I lead her to that conclusion. I made her think of all this because I thrived off of the idea of controlling an innocent girl and making her cry every night because of me and how i tricked her. Just so that I could comfort her and do the same thing all over again. Once I convinced her that she was just overthinking, I'd make her see proof she couldn't deny. Visual first hand proof of me being intimate with another women. All of her hope and joy and future plans and trust would get crushed like a cute little pupppy having a tonne dropped on them. In one singular moment she realised what I truly was and realised she knew nothing about me. About the man she loved. After all of this, I'd tell her the constant acusations were too much for me and with an ill judged moment I had, "decided to do what you always thought I was doing when I wasn't." With that, all her ideas of "the one," would be shattered, she would then believe she drove me away and that she was in the wrong. The sick satisfaction I would get from doing so made life worth living. When I’m called forwards to answer what sins I’ve committed, I can positively say I’ve been extremely lustful towards more than one woman at one time. I’ve torn their feeble hearts apart like paper and I did it as a hobby. I didn’t feel regret until now. Although, I can’t say this even counts as repenting because I only started to feel horrible about my actions when I realised it would negatively impact me in the after life...

On the second day, I thought about how I’m selfish. Was it my environment or do I just blame it on that? I was brought up in a pretty well off family I could say I was never taught to care about others. I mean I never worried about the poor because it’s not my problem. I always told the liberal-crazies who thought we should “think about others, even if we don’t know them while also helping out our community and those who are less fortunate,” that they were just trying to feel better about themselves and that they didn’t care about others. Now I don’t even know what my issue with this viewpoint was. Even if you’re trying to help yourself, you’re still helping others so it’s a win-win situaction. I just wish I realised sooner. All I ever have done was buy myself ample amounts of food and drinks while not thinking about those who can’t choose to do this. I mean I’m a glutton. I didn’t need so much I just liked the idea of being able to get that much. I should’ve helped out all of those homeless people and those who aren’t as well-off but instead, I laughed at them, I mean I don’t deserve what I have, I was just lucky to have my parents. I did much worse than just laugh though. I made a man homeless because I was bored. My family had a house-keeper figure and he was loyal to our family and loved us as he had worked for us for decades. However, if you haven't noted this already, I chose to be a despicable person, I mean why leave this innocent man alone when I can ruin him? So, I told my parents that since I was younger, from the ripe age of ten years old, that he had been abusing me. Of course I put on the greatest act possible and oh how I played my part well. I got a knife and made several long and almost cuts on my body to make it seem like our loving worker, wasn't as loving as we all previously had thought and that I had narrowly escaped death when he went on rampage fueled by his rage. I gave myself bruises a while before I did this to make it look like he attacked me over the course of the weeks leading to the attack and that I had been hiding it "but I just had to tell someone now because I was scared for my life." I made up accounts of times he had hit me for the past six years and how it would be in a place where nobody could see and that I had hidden the bruises as "I was petrified," and because "I loved him like family."

I told my parents to not press charges as i still cared for him "afterall, he was just a mentally ill man in his 50s." So, we threw him out while he protested the accusations thrown at him despite the knife marks and bruises. My parents obviously did not believe him and were enraged at the fact that he wouldn't admit to his wrong doings. Everytime he would try to work somewhere else, I would make sure he wouldn't be employed using my persuasion or money and he thought there was something wrong with him, like he had done something wrong in a past life and this was karma. No, it was my genius what caused him to be in his state. Something about tearing away what a man has built up all his life and doing so in such a complex way that he can never build it up again brang a smirk to my face. I mean how do you build a good reputation back up after being shunned for being such a disgusting inhumane person? I ruined 50 years of life in the matter of weeks. He was always sleeping in the same place near the street and so, I'd go to see the result of my actions on most days. The loss of hope made me feel like a king honestly.

On the third day, I realised how I am a greedy being with not a selfless bone in my body. I was never satisfied. I always wanted more. If it was something like a game console or even designer clothes that were overpriced to the extreme, I wanted it and more. I mean I’m not taking that to the grave. Would I be remembered for those things? “Oh he had money from his parents to buy things.” None of those things have sentimental value. I don’t give a crap about any of this junk. I don’t care. It’s all so meaningless when you look at the bigger picture. Yet, I thought I was worth more than others because of these things? I constantly bragged about all of my “cool stuff,” and here I am with nothing to really care about. Once again, I could’ve helped others because I had plentiful amounts of money. I could’ve helped someone by giving them something that they couldn’t buy with their income. I could’ve helped at least one person, so that they could feel how I wanted to feel when I bought overpriced items and that is contentment.

On the fourth day, I didn’t leave my room. Horrid thoughts attacked my miserable existence like the devil giving me what I truly deserve. If I was told to look back at everything I’ve done in my pitiful existence, if I was given a video and watched it, what would I see? Me lazing about for the majority of my days, not helping my parents or friends in the slightest, not having hobbies, not doing anything productive and then having the most negative mindset spawn from this behaviour. I mean I have no excuse really. I’ve done nothing at all. I can’t do anything but think about me doing nothing. I mean what a joke life is right? There are so many people that deserve the best and here I am, born into privilege with no appreciation to be seen. People work all their lives to get what I was born with, and I took it for granted. I’d see myself laze about all day while wondering why my grades were dropping. When I did go out I’d just be a predator, creating a facade to reel people in because how would I attract anyone when I have no personality? I haven’t experienced anything because I’ve decided not to. I always would detach myself from people just in case they realised it was all fake. Maybe I always knew I was an awful person and I was just in denial. I always knew I could’ve improved myself by perhaps doing something good for myself, which makes it worse because I knew the problem and I decided to ignore it. I was too indolent to do anything.

On the fifth and sixth day, I didn’t even leave my bed. I just laid there, thinking about how close my demise was, thinking how the world loses nothing without the presence of my disgusting existence. I realised how much I envied others. I envied them for not being spiteful like me, for actually choosing to be conscious of their actions and the consequences that follow them, for actually wanting to make a change in the world no matter how small and in turn, this made them happier because they were changing themselves to be more perceptive and thoughtful with every change they made. I was jealous of these people because they are better and more valuable members of society. With this came the vengeful anger I had towards these people. I wanted them to feel pain and to suffer. Because in my head, they mocked me, knowing they were better than me and in my head I thought they deserved to not feel anything close to joy. So, I hurt them in any way I could, I mocked them and attacked them and disregarded them and made them feel worthless and minimal, like how I felt. I mean really I am who I chose to be. People with upbringings you could describe as hell on earth CHOSE to be people who would do great things. I CHOSE to damage people both emotionally and physically because if I’m not happy why does anyone else deserve to be?

Finally day seven came. I knew I couldn’t do anything about the world as we knew it ceasing to exist so, instead I wallowed in self pity, something I’ve done my whole life. I mean GOSH feel bad for me, I’m a wealthy and priviliged and loved and popular person living in a western society seriously my life is so exremely hard. For the last seven days I’ve felt guilt. Only because I’ve been made to realise. I could’ve lived my whole life ignoring the issues I made myself have due to my excessive pride. I was so proud of my behaviour but for what?

If we recollect my memories all I did was lust over women, be a glutton, be greedy, be lazy, be envious and be prideful. I am a horrid human, partly for things that I did do and partly for things that I didn’t do. Which is worse? Creating disharmony in your environment because you’re a pitiful human being or not doing anything about the disharmony in your environment because it was already there? When the clock strikes 11:59pm, I will have one minute to live and I can only take my guilt to the grave. I don’t even believe in God if I’m honest but I hope he exists. I hope he does so he can give me a one way ticket to hell. I won’t even protest. I know I deserve it I mean why should I try to repent when my intentions will be polluted? Because I know we’re all going to die meaning I am doing it to relieve my own conscience so what’s the point? I hope all the people that aren’t like me end up in a good place. Somewhere far away from people like me who are there to poison their good intentions and actions. Somewhere they deserve to be. Their own utopia much better than this hell on earth created by horrid people who make the good apples of human beings tremble with trepidation. I know that I can’t learn from my mistakes but I wish somebody could...