Of Death and Taxes

My fingers shake as I complete the chalk circle, the white standing out in stark contrast against the basaltic slab of rock. I take out my small silver knife and bare the sharp blade over my palm. Taking a deep shuddering breath, I begin the incantation. I hoped desperately that the old man at the bookstore who sold me this book called "Darkeest Incantatum" was right about the pronounciation. Feeling fairly satisfied with the garbled speech I'd been practicing for days, I sliced a thin line in my palm and placed my bloodied hand onto the chalk written name of the demon I was summoning in the center of the circle.

First, nothing happened at all, and my heart began to drop with disappointment. A crack of lightening burst overhead and a rush of wind whirled around me, kicking up dust and debris. I covered my stinging eyes, but despearately peered out through my fingers to the magic circle. From the ground, a growing dark form seemed to tear its way out of the earth, howling and screeching like the thing of nightmares. It stood taller and taller until it was easily nine feet tall, with reptilian skin, orange glowing eyes, and dripping tusks jutting out of a hideous mouthful of teeth.

"Who summons me from the depths!?" It shouted angrily. I stood up unsteadily, "Um... I do?" A large fist started to slam down towards me to kill me, but the demon was stopped by the protective edge around the circle, "Fool! You try to cage me!? You think you can fight against my immortal strength!? Tear down this barrier and fight me, or your death will be slow and painful!" "Wait!" I shout, "Wait. I want to make a deal with you." The demon stopped hammering on the invisible barrier, suddenly showing all its teeth in a terrifying smile, "What deal do you wish, foolish mortal?"

I take another steadying breath, "I wish to trade a year of my life for help on my taxes." The demon immediately dropped his fists and showboating, "What?" I stutter, "A y-year of my life for-" The demon waved a hand, "I know what you said! Gees, you are, like, the fifth person to summon me to help with taxes. Why do you people keep bothering me?" I shiver, "Well, people always say taxes are absolute hell." The demon dropped his horned head, "I was minding my own business in my firey pit, and I was finishing the last chapter of Twilight. Give me one good reason to help you." I wring my fingers, "I promised a year of my life." The deomn sighed heavily, "Look. I don't need your life. Demons don't even have power over that kind of stuff. We aren't even the rulers of Hell, for goodness sake." I think frantically, "Um... I'll give you the Kardashian's address." The demon taps his tusks thoughtfully.

* * * * *

The demon hovered over my shoulder, "Ok, so line 32 is where you reference for line 60." I tap my pencil against my nose, "But I thought line 32 was about my health insurance." The demon prods an impatient finger at the form, "No, line 30 is about health insurance. Line 32 is about your pre-tax income going into your health saving account. Remember how we calculated your income status and subtracted your dependants?" I toss down my pencil, "This is torture." The demon stands up and crosses his arms, "You think I don't know? How long do you think it took us to plan all this. Also, you need a completely different form to claim your deductables." I bang my head on the table.