The Reason Why I Cry

Do you like to see me cry? Is that your end goal in life? To see me cry, and unhappy, and miserable in this life? Does it bring you joy? Does it make you happy?

I am sorry that we do not see eye to eye. And I am sorry that my very existence disappoints you. And I am sorry that by me being in your life, your life is worsened. For this I am sorry. Don’t worry though. I will do that for you. I will do all the worrying for you. I will worry about finding someone who will love me. Finding someone whose mission and goal in life is to make me smile rather than make me cry. I will find someone who is happy to be with me through my ups and downs. Someone in whom I am happy to be with too. Will that make you happy? Probably not. Because if I am happy then you are not happy, and that is the burden of us.

Soon you will have your wish. Soon you will be happy. For soon I will be out of your life, somewhere in which my life will not affect yours, and yours will not affect mine. A life in which, somehow by a miracle, we can both exist and yet both be happy. A life in which all the tears will be gone. Soon that day will come, do not worry. For I will worry for you. For that day shall be my salvation. That day shall be my unending joy. That day shall be the start of a new me. The start of a new life. A better life.

But for now, I will cry. I will cry because it makes you happy. Because it makes you satisfied. I try not to, you know. I try not to cry. To make it look as if your words, and your actions, and your hatred do not affect me. And I try really hard at it too. But a girl can only take so much. And at last I must cry.

I know that you do not know what you are doing. I know that you think this is love. But I must tell you, that to me, it does not feel like love. It feels like annoyance. It feels like disgust. It feels like anything except love. I tried really hard to love you. I really did. I had decided that my happiness wasn’t worth it if I did not love you. However, in the end, when all your happiness is gone, when the love is not returned, and when you realize that you have been living for nothing, then there is nothing left for you to do but to leave, to hope, to cry.

And so I will cry until there are no more tears to cry. Until there is nothing left to cry for. Until you are gone and I can rest. Until that day when I can be happy. But until then, my bed shall be my tears. And I will cry.