Recollection

He always comes at 12:04, on the dot. Tonight, I was lying on the sofa, watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when he slipped in through the crack under the door. The room got colder as soon as he came, and I could feel him when he sat on the couch with me. We never talk anymore, not after the Ouija board incident, but he claims he still loves me regardless. I felt his cold hands as he wrapped his arm around my waist, and felt his breath as he laid his head on my shoulder, just as before.

"I missed this," I whispered to him.

I swore I felt his lips graze my cheek. We met in this old apartment complex, Herb and I, about twenty years ago. I had been carrying flowers in from my job, and he was going out to catch the train to meet his girlfriend. We bumped into each other (literally) and he looked at me like he hated me. I avoided him after that. If I heard his door open before I was going out, I waited until he was long gone to leave. But, one day, I didn't pay attention and we ended up in the lift together, essentially pressed against each other. I looked at the ground for most of the journey, until he spoke to me.

"I think i got some of your mail," he said.

I didn't answer, just clutched my purse and cursed myself for living on the eighth floor.

"Do you not speak French?" he asked me.

"I learned in school," I murmured. "I think people could understand me, but talking is just so hard."

"I understood you fine," he assured me. "but if you need lessons, I'd be happy to teach you."

"Really? That would be awesome," I told him.

Finally, we'd reached the ground floor. We ended up walking the same way, talking the whole time. Herb quickly became my friend. We would go see the Obelisk and walk around the Louvre together since he had a friend that worked there. We would hang out in cafes and take trips ot the store together. It made his girlfriend so jealous that she left him. I thought he'd be mine forever, especially once I got pregnant, but of course, it didn't last. He liked to drink and when he'd feel sad or upset, he decided he needed to. Around the second trimester, he lost his job and drinking became an obsession of his. It led to other stuff that I wanted no part in, but I wanted to stay. I wanted it to work.

It didn't. He started turning his rage on me, verbally at first then gradually it became worse. He would threaten to throw me the down the stairs when I stood in front of the door and insulted me constantly for my accent and skin color and weight. He would tell me he'd stay sober when i lost thirty pounds and try to cut my hair in my sleep. Finally, I had had enough. It was month eight when I called my brothers who helped me pack my things while my lover was in a bar doing God knows what. We all went back to Rabat where I had my babies. Twin girls that looked just like their father. I stayed for five years but they looked more and more like him, and I couldn't do it anymore. I left them with my mother and never looked back.

Returning to France, i tried to find him, but was unsuccessful for years. When I finally did find him, he was clean and was with a French woman and their young son. The sight shattered my heart. I drifted for years after that, watching my kids grow up from afar. They were the top of their classes and were beautiful and smart and made me proud and depressed at the same time. I figured as long as I was away, everyone I loved would be happy. I saw my old apartment was free, so I moved back in. As soon as i opened the door, the memories hit me. The pain of being with someone that hated themselves hit me every time I opened the door but I stayed. It was better than being anywhere else.

A friend came by a couple weeks ago with a Ouija board, saying my place was the perfect place to test it. We were both in our forties, but the high school desire of seeing what's on the other side of living still had both of us eager. We set it up and Herb came through, instantly sending tears down my cheeks.

"You left with no explanation. I never got to see our kid. I never got to show you I loved you. I made some mistakes but I didn't think it meant you'd leave. I know there were signs but to come home to nothing just took everything that was left. I killed myself in this apartment three years ago when i saw that our daughters OUR DAUGHTERS had graduated with honors and been accepted into the best colleges around. It just hurt more than anything, you know? To know I never got to know the only successful parts of my life. I've been divorced three times, roped into raising five kids that weren't mine. The only kid that was actually mine is prostituting himself because I failed him as a father. This was the last place I was happy. I never stopped loving you, Semi. That's why I answered. I wanted you to know that I thought of you every second of every day while you were gone."

I remember the warmth leaving, my friend and I both pale and surprised. I cried myself to sleep that night. That was when I noticed him there and the clock. 12:04. I felt the room get colder, the blankets get warmer, and the cold wrapping around my body. It returned every night at the same time. Now, I welcome it. I anxiously watch the clock, biting my lips and hoping he won't disappoint me. He hasn't since then, and for once, I can say I've never been happier.