Sticks and Stones

It's been months since I've been on here. A lot has happened and I wanted to share this. It is based on my experience and I hope it may be helpful for those who have also suffered in abusive relationships.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

Such bullshit that is

I hum this silly, stupid, false little rhyme as I sit shaking in my car

Ears ringing, heart thumping, tears flowing, eyes burning

Struggling not to hyperventilate

Repeating the same phrase over and over as I rock back and forth

A rough, primitive method of self-soothing

The only tool at my disposal right now

I second-guess my every movement, my every decision, my every judgement call

Unable to trust myself because of the dark shadow threatening to explode

And spit venom in my face the second I do something It dislikes

I prostate myself, flog myself, shame myself

Accepting the blame for something....what was that something?

Was it even something I did?

No matter, I must accept the blame regardless

I sit in misery and wring my hands and struggle to figure out what's missing

Why do I live each day on edge, a welt of anxiety swelling in my throat 24/7

The sun is shining and the sky is blue and opportunities swim around me

So why does it seem to foggy and blurry and distant

Why do I feel so trapped and heavy, weighed down by unseen baggage

Sticks and stones, sticks and stones

Physical pain is nothing new to me

Feeling my uterus cramp up every 23 days, almost on the dot

Pain so bad I have to gasp and pause for air

Feeling my head ache and pulse when stress and exhaustion and dehydration

Meet together, a perfect trifecta, and split my head in half

Sore muscles, tired feet, aching back

The pain is temporary, so it is bearable

But the words that pierce my skin and shock my senses

Branding themselves onto my DNA and the slippery crevices of my brain

These are harder to forget

These are harder to bear

You dumb bitch

You selfish white girl

You're a useless wife

Sometimes I just want to choke you out

Why are you so stupid?

They're just words, right? So we tell ourselves , trying to erase the pain

By breaking them down into neutral alphabetic symbols

And shoving aside the trauma into a dark and hidden space

If they're JUST words, why does it hurt worse than anything else?

Why am I curled up crying so hard I can't breathe?

He doesn't mean it

She doesn't mean it

They don't mean it

Maybe it was my fault

Maybe I made them angry

Maybe I deserve to be screamed at

Maybe I really am a stupid bitch

Maybe I really am useless

Maybe if I just obeyed them better, they would stop

Maybe if I didn't screw up, they wouldn't hurt me

Maybe if I can just do X, Y, and Z, we would be happy again

And so on and so on

The sweet lies we tell ourselves

Because THEY are the people we love

THEY don't mean to hurt us

So we accept the trauma, swallow the pain, shoulder the vicious insults

Bowing our heads and trying to be the bigger person

But how long until our very soul is torn apart and permanently bruised

By the endless streams of cortisol pouring into our system

Every day, every hour, every minute

How long until we wake up

And find that our life has withered away

Our passions dried up

Our inner fire turned into a dim flicker

Our hearts heavy with resent and bitterness

I find I am sick of bending over backward

Sick of molding myself and changing myself and censoring myself

Sick of suppressing my passions and silencing my opinions

Sick of apologizing for THEIR mistakes

Sick of sobbing until my stomach aches and my eyes burn

All so that I can be more favorable in their eyes

And for what?

To be the perfect wife? The perfect husband? The perfect child? The perfect partner?

We must ask ourselves these questions

Because they will not

They may have their own trauma, their own baggage, their own burdens

But this is never a valid excuse for abuse

Never. Never. Never.

One person's pain does not justify inflicting pain on someone else

Years of being a people-pleaser has warped my mind

Years of trying to be what other people WANT me to be

Has blinded me to my own strength and power

I tried on all of these masks in the mirror

Struggling to fit in and figure out my place

But the day I stood my ground and said NO, I won't do that

Was a beautiful and brilliant one

The day I left

Was a day I will always be proud of

Because it was the day I learned I am never obligated to say yes

I don't have to bear the blame for their own mistakes

I don't have to apologize for standing up for myself

I don't have to tolerate abuse because I want to "help them"

You will be called selfish. You will be mocked.

You will be made to feel guilty for daring to care about yourself.

You will be criticized by those who preyed upon your compassion

Who took advantage of your desire to help

And used you as the scapegoat upon which to unload their grievances

It is not easy to escape this vicious and toxic cycle

It is painful and difficult and slow

But there are always support systems out there

If you know where to look

Roots and branches that will support you and listen and love

That will let you cry until your eyes swell up

And remind you, with a gentle voice

It's not your fault

You are not worthless

You are stronger than you realize

Do not be afraid to ask for help

Chances are, you will find someone who understands

And who will hold your hand as you step onto the uncertain path

Toward freedom

Toward happiness

Toward becoming