a study of one’s catholic guilt.

i died. i found heaven; pearly gates, iridescent clouds, angels and cherubs lining the entry. it's perfect. harps and trumpets play harmoniously as you move, not obnoxiously, but sort of like when you're driving and having the radio on. they're white noise. god is here. he's large, titan-like, and exactly as i pictured as a child-mr. clean. bald, in a white t-shirt and matching pants, with an earring and searing blue eyes. the eyes are a little intimidating-they glow. and i, a small human, am faced before him. he approaches slowly, grinning widely with arms unfolding. but the closer he gets, the less pleased he is. he reaches me, and his smile is gone completely, no trace left, just a large and disapproving man. i'm scared, worried that everything the church engrained in me is coming true. then it happens-god looks me in the eye, turns his back on me and walks away. the light goes abruptly like in all those movies, once there, now black. the angels and cherubs have stopped, and before i know it, the clouds dissipate from below my feet. i plummet. it's an all consuming feeling; falling through vanta black for as far as eye can see. my clothes are being shredded off of my body, i'm screaming, falling backwards from heaven with my back facing below me. i grasp upwards as though that will do anything, as though god will somehow grasp my hand like he never did on earth. but he doesn't. and i fall. i flail. i kick and scream and sob until my throat goes numb and scratchy and there's no tears left to cry. a light comes from behind me, getting closer. now though, there's screaming, and cackling, and swearing and such tense agony all around me as i get closer. i slam into a ground made of hot charcoal. beside me, an enormous crater is filled with neon, oozing, bubbling sulfer. despite the taunting and screams of agony, i am alone. there is no one else here, just me, naked, alone. perhaps there was never agony after all, and hell is different for everyone. the taunting i hear is all in my head, the agony, the fear, the tension; it is all pent up inside of me-for eternity. perhaps i will be alone, my deepest fear, for all of eternity, for all of eternity's eternity. i barely made it through life, and i'm sure i can't survive the afterlife.