False Rumors

“Should someone radio Heaven?” Mark the Demon asked.

“That’s not really my problem.” Kevina the Damned replied as she walked away.

“Guess we know why you’re here.” Mark remarked. “Because of your unhelpful attitude!”

Kevina gave him the finger and left. Signing, Mark the Demon turned to me. “So, ah, how you doing?”

I stared at him with wide eyes. He was six feet tall with a trio of crimson horns crowning his forehead. Large jagged teeth that could tear me apart. He looked like an other worldly being--because he was one. “Is this real? Am I actually dead? Am I in Hell?” I asked.

Mark scratched the back of his head. “I mean, yeah?”

Tears welled up in my eyes. “Is this because I’m gay?”

Rushing over to me, Mark coaxed. “No. No! No! That’s not it at all! You’re… you’re not really supposed to be here at all, in fact. There’s been a mix-up… and umm… I’m just gonna have Kevina explain it to you.” He snapped his fingers and Kevina reappeared.

“B r u h.” Kevina said. “Why did you bring me back here?”

“To explain kindly to… who are you?”

“Jeremy.” I answered.

“To Jeremy why he is here despite not having committed a single sin according to my Sin-O-Meter.” Mark continued. “Patent pending.”

Kevina scratched her head, confused. “Well, I’m not really an expert on these types of things--wait, are those rainbow suspenders? Yeah, you’re here because you’re gay.”

“We don’t do that here!” Mark shrieked. “Kevina! You need to stop telling people that! You started one rumor and it caught on! It’s a filthy lie! This is why you’re in Hell!”

“That’s not why I’m in Hell. I started that rumor after I got here.”

“Why would you do that?” I sniffled.

Shrugging, Kevina replied. “I was bored. Being tortured for eternity just isn’t as exciting as you would think it would be. But you’ll figure that out soon enough.”

“No he won’t!” Mark screamed. “Stop saying things like that!”

“So, why are you in Hell?” I questioned.

“Because I murdered my parents.”

“Why would you do that?!”

“Because they named me Kevina.”

“You know what?” Mark interjected. “That’s fair. I’m abstain you from your original sin for that.”

“So I’m free to go?”

“No, you’re staying here and burning for that rumor you started.”

“Drat.” Kevina snapped her fingers.

“What happens now?” I inquired.

“Well, we could try to radio Heaven, figure out what’s going on--but they usually never answer. It’s unlike them to be rude like that too.” Mark answered.

“It’s because we have radios and they have like iphones or something.” Kevina crossed her arms. “They get such cool stuff in Heaven even though it was our people who built those companies!”

“Can you at least try?” I skidded away from a pit of boiling lava. “I really don’t like it down here.”

“Sucks.” Kevina said.

“No, not sucks.” Mark countered. “Look, I’m gonna radio Satan. In the meantime, I’m just gonna ship you to Heaven. There’s clearly been a misunderstanding or something. A switch in the records. Probably because of that false rumor…” He glared at Kevina.

“Woah! Hold on! You’re just letting this guy to go free?” Kevina exclaimed. “With no proof of innocence? Just like that?”

“Yeah.” Mark replied.

Kevina scoffed. “Unbelievable. He could be some kind of criminal mastermind, you know? Staged the entire thing?”

“He’s wearing rainbow suspenders! The odds of Jeremy being a criminal mastermind are pretty low.”

About twenty minutes later, we arrived at the Hell to Heaven teleporter with Kevina complaining the entire time. Mark turned to me. “Again, I am just so sorry for this whole mix-up.”

“Thanks,” I said. “You’re a pretty nice for a demon.”

“Gotta save that sadistic behavior for the Damned, you know? Well, off you go!” Mark cheered.

I stepped inside the glowing blue teleporter and Heaven flashed before my eyes. I grinned. “And pretty naive too.” I whispered, stuffing the Sin-O-Meter’s batteries into my pocket.

Who knew all you have to do to get out of Hell is wear rainbow suspenders and pose as an innocent gay? Even if you’re just a simple, straight, convincing psychopath.