Body-bound

It’s just a knot.

It’s not.

Right a knot.

No what I mean is that’s not a knot.

She’s doing that thing again where she tells me things are just things but really some things are more than just things. The knot is not a knot. It’s a bundle of phantoms and she doesn’t ever believe. It’s a cacophony of feedback and death-knells clashing. It’s teeth and screams and broken blood vessels. it’s my intestines wrapping my throat noose-like. It’s darkness and-

What are you thinking about?

If I give you a razor can you help me cut it out?

Stop being stupid and go to sleep. It’s a knot.

No, it’s not a knot. It’s like. It’s a tangle of other things. Can you please just-

No. I said go to sleep.

I sleep uneasy and wake just the same.

I made you an appointment.

What kind of appointment?

She’s good. She’ll get the knot out.

It’s not a knot, but ok.

She said on the phone you have a knot.

Yeah. Something like that.

I take note of her eyes. Brown. Soft. Needle in right hand. Left fingers massaging the bridge of her nose. She’s shaking her head. She’s frowning. She’s looking at me serious. She’s frowning.

Not a knot.

I know. I told her that.

More a shadow, more an echo, not a knot. Needles won’t work. Have to get the snakes. Snakes get rid of ghosts.

Alright. Snakes then.

You don’t listen. You’re haunted. Snakes get rid of ghosts. Need more money for snakes. Need snakes for ghosts.

Whatever. Snakes. Get the snakes.

She’s staring at me again. She’s staring. She’s staring. She puts her needles away. She drifts behind the curtain covering the doorway behind me. The air shivers. The room trembles. I’m cold when she comes back. Snake tank on the cart in front of her. They’re all black. All night sky. All charcoal and shadows. Midnight snakes. I’m waiting. She’s staring.

You flip over. Don’t watch.

I’m thinking I wouldn’t be able to watch behind me anyway. I’m thinking it’s cold. I’m thinking that-

Don’t watch. You understand? Don’t watch.

She’s staring.

Yeah. I won’t watch.

I flip onto my stomach. Face against the dark vinyl. I smell bleach. I’m cold. I’m raised skin. I’m fear. Fuck. I’m the fear. I’m cold. I feel her moving. I can hear the snakes. One, two, three, they fall against my skin. Slithering. Quivering. I’m tremors. I’m vibrations.

Don’t watch.

I’m the fear. I feel the big one on my shoulder blades. It’s slinking into the pits where my neck and back meet. I’m sweating. I’m the fear. And it’s midnight. And it’s teeth. I feel teeth. I feel fangs. I feel blood.

Don’t watch.

They’re swarming. They’re legion. They’re many. They’re rushing and slipping inside me. And she bends over me. Mouth to snake bite. And sucks. My center is pulling away. My insides are crawling to the spot where her mouth is pulling venom. And I’m the venom. I’m the fear. And she’s inhaling ghosts. She’s imbibing shadows. And she’s screaming. And I’m screaming. And I’m the fear. And my body is fire and rage. And I’m writhing. And I’m the snakes. I’m the dark. I’m the fear. And she’s spitting me out in waves. Coughing out knots. Coughing out tangles. Crying out memories. Vomiting echoes. And I’m screaming out ache. And I’m the fear. I’m the fear.

Don’t watch.