Shame

I've felt a lot of shame recently. It's a strange emotion that makes you question decisions which you normalley wouldn't question. It makes you take bad choices, it convinces you that lying is preferable to the truth and it drains your energy really fast. Worst of all; shame will often create more shame. for when you engange in lying, when you make a decision that you'll regret later, and you know you'll regret it even before the decision is made, that all just makes you feel even more shitty, than you already do. Shame feels like a cage, an unlocked cage that you could escape any time you want, except you're scared. You are so afraid that the outside world; the people you now, your friends, your family, is going to judge and you're afraid of letting those people down. Telling them that you are in a cage, or even telling them that you used to be in a cage, feels like defeat, it makes you feel vulnerable. Vurnerablity isn't a bad thing, in fact the world would be a better place if more people were open about their vurnerabilities, but because you are insecure and full of shame, you never want to admit to being vurnerabel or being hurt or being scared.

I wrote in the beginning, that I've felt a lot of shame recently, that's not true. Actually I've felt a lot of shame for a really long time. That is another thing shame does, it makes you edit yourself acording to your surroundings, or according to how you feel is the safest way to present yourself to your surroundings. Basically shame makes me feel weak, and it makes me feel like that weakness is something, that i can not share with other people. It makes me want to lie to the people i love, because i don't want them to be disappointed in me, and I'm scared they wont like me, if I'm being honest and if I need help. Shame makes me want to burrow my head in the ground and keep it there until the rest of the world has withered away around me, and all the people that once knew me is now gone.

- So this was kinda bleak, but if you're reading this and you're feeling similar or feeling other kinds of shitty, I hope you get through whatever it is you're going through, I hope the holidays won't be too crappy and remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Have a nice day.