Do Better

I know nothing. Truthfully, the majority of the time, I have no idea what I’m talking about. But who really does? Sure, we can memorize facts and historical dates. We can study theories and mathematical equations. We can work so hard to be handed a piece of paper that anticlimactically declares us an expert in a particular field. But at the end of the day, what do we really know about this world we’re living in? About the people around us? About ourselves?

Nothing I can study can tell me why my neighbor hates the kid walking down the street just because of the color of his skin. Nothing can explain why my own mother thought I was less valid when I told her I was attracted to men and women. No one on this earth can justify why some of the best people I have ever met passed away long before their time yet the assholes I encounter every day still go around, healthy as ever.

Our environment and the people within it are constantly changing, always evolving. I can’t step into another person’s mind to understand their perspective. I can rationalize it, sure - my racist neighbor? Oh, he’s just old, things were different when he grew up, he just can’t accept the way things are today. But that’s just my own reasoning to understand on some level. I don’t actually know if that’s the case or if he’s just hateful or fearful for reasons he doesn’t even comprehend.

I barely know myself most days. I know I love horror movies and my favorite color is green. I know that I always try to be kind to those around me and I understand that sometimes I fail at it. I know my family is crazy and complicated but I wouldn’t be who I am without them in my life. I know that my experiences have molded me into the woman I see in the mirror every day. I have no idea who I will become tomorrow or how I may react to an attacker threatening my life or where this life will carry me. If they announce that World War III has started, will I take the time to be sure my neighbors can follow me to safety? Or will I run as fast as I can without looking back? If faced with the choice to sacrifice myself or a stranger, what would I decide? On a less severe note, if I was up for a promotion at work, would I sabotage my competition if they weren’t my friend? If I hadn’t had the experiences I have had, would I still be who I am today?

I have no fucking clue.

As I said, I know nothing. I know that I am here. I know that I am trying my best to do well and to do good. I know that I want to leave this world having improved it in the smallest way, if at all. I know that I love my people and that, most days, I love myself. I know that we can all do better and have hope that we will.

Beyond that? Your guess is as good as mine.