shifting to now
.
The old paper quietly rustles in the back pocket of her jeans. The sound is comforting by now, a steady way to keep her grounded. Something to keep her from lifting into the air and drifting aimlessly in the overwhelming cosmos. The universe is dark as much as it is filled with shapeless colors.
Her letter.
Words painted for her quiet soul.
The note that both damages and lifts her, embracing her past as she struggles to just be in the now, and to not fall out of her orbit again, a sweet weight that is both pain and bliss. She must have read it countless times, taking it out, unfolding it, straightening the paper, smoothing out the creases. Gently, with affection. Always with affection. Even if there were days that she would crumble it down, so close to ripping it apart, piece by piece, shred by shred. Like the day that she got it, left by her door. A small white envelope that meant goodbye. That also said I will find you when the day is right. I am never without you in my heart. Wait for me, because I am written only when you exist.
Every day that note is with her, keeping her grounded, even on a rainy day like this. She moves swiftly, trying not to sink in the rain, feeling restless. Out of place. A physical strain wraps around her skin, her muscles. Around those thoughts. She lifts her head trying to see more through those wet eyelashes, it’s hard but she looks, heartbeats rushing. Something has changed. She’s both nervous and waiting, with feet banging against the hard pavement, she reaches her house, staring at the door and then at the ground, a letter in a small creamy envelope, a bit soaked by the rain. She walks up to it, picking it up gently and she feels it. This time the letters won’t be the same. Her hands shake slightly as she taking it out, unfolding it, straightening the paper, smoothing out the creases. Gently, with affection. Always with affection.
And this time, it’s a hello.
She carefully folds the letter and puts it in her back pocket. On the left side to set the balance. On one side carrying a goodbye from the past and hello that is now. It’s already started.
.