The Joy of Christmas

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Just look at him sitting there, waving, wishing everyone a merry Christmas as if he's actually some sort of magical deity seated on a golden throne. It’s a marvel how many mothers migrate to this mall en masse, endure ridiculous waits and wasted gas circling the parking lot over and over and over for the perfect spot closest to the entrance only to stand in yet another line full of all the other mothers with screaming children just to get a picture of their rotten progeny sitting on this man’s lap.

A stranger’s lap.

At least he got into character and grew a real beard. It wouldn't be surprising, though, if he's a dirty pedophile or some other sort of sexual predator and his suit is extra-large, not to cover his corpulence, but to conceal his raging erection. Or maybe, just maybe, he really is the kid-loving grandfatherly type who never had kids of his own because his wife is barren or he's shooting blanks or something. Sure- they could adopt, but you can't raise a kid making minimum wage working as St. Nick in the mall. For the children’s sake I hope the truth is innocent. But I bet this bearded behemoth of an old man has pictures of every kid that ever sat on his lap lined up like wallpaper in his room and every night he beats off to them.

Oh, Timmy; oh, Billy; oh, Susie; oh, Patrick.

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Hey, don't give me that look. I work in this mall and every day I see the rudest of people push, shove and insult their way through crowds like rabid animals frothing at the mouth ready to rip off the face of anyone daring to get in their way. While waiting in long check-out lines, these people complain that Jesus was even born because they had to go out and buy gifts for friends and family they don't even like. All the while, children are lied to about why they shouldn’t lie and instead behave all year long. Remember to engage in good deeds, not for the good of the deed, but in hopes of finding bigger presents under the tree. This is what the holidays are about, my friends. Christmas brings out the worst in people…

and I'm sure Santa's no exception.