Together...

I often drift towards memories of desperate screaming, and frightened looks, on faces. The image of a ceramic bowl being flung against my living room wall, and a benign-looking snow-globe facing a similar fate saunters its way in, somehow, and I experience the incident, all over again.

A certain catatonia overtakes me when I remember my old self. My past is living…It is more alive than the now.

~

A global issue that is important to me is mental health advocacy. Specifically, I am passionate about sufferers of mental disorders speaking out about their conditions to their communities. This sharing of information on their part can lighten the burden of listeners who face similar issues. To me, exposing sufferers of mental illnesses to others who have been there is one of the best ways that healing can take place.

The cause of such zeal (people healing from mental health issues) probably comes from having a mental illness myself, and wanting others who face similar circumstances to reach recovery as easily as possible. I had a hard time when I first developed a mental disorder, and the years afterwards were difficult, too. Knowing that people going through mental illness with fear, pain, and despair are me, several years ago, makes me want to help them—helping them is like helping my past self.

When I was in my mid-teens, and in the clutches of depression and psychosis, I very much believed I was all alone, in my battles. It wasn’t that I thought no one had suffered as much as me; it was that I believed no one had ever even experienced what I had gone through. When I learned from my therapist (at fourteen years old) that there are other people besides myself who have beliefs of being watched and plotted against (delusions, as a mental health specialist would say), it was a complete surprise, to me. And my terror and pain was instantly alleviated, a dozen times, over. And that was only one dry fact that my therapist had shared, with me. If I had read books, articles, or opinion pieces, listened to speeches, looked at artwork, or consumed any other forms of communication from people who have lived through mental illness, I know that my recovery throughout those years would have gone by much more easily.

Bravery and selflessness are needed to advocate for mental health when you have a mental illness, no doubt. The stigma of cultural and societal elements makes it hard to even admit that you have any such condition. (I myself, coming from an Afro-Arab background in which mental illness can be seen as shameful, know that too well.) But I think if people with mental health conditions manage to get through the obstacle of sharing their disorders, others will greatly benefit. And while it’s true that a few people with mental illnesses speaking out about their conditions may be viewed negatively by the people around them, the millions of people in the world with mental disorders speaking out about their conditions will be respected and lent an attentive ear.

I myself have had some experience with conveying my mental health battles to others. The most prominent part of these experiences is the writing that I have created. I have (gradually, over a period of a few years) written several creative pieces communicating my struggles with mental illness. I have even had some of this work published in small magazines and websites (which I have compiled into an online portfolio). And after having some practice with mental-illness-themed writing, I plan to become a creative writer who uses her experiences with mental health issues as themes and messages for her written work (along with being a grant writer for a mental health organization). I am happy with this decision of how I will spend a good amount of time, as a professional. I think the idea of producing creative writing about my mental illness (as a line of work) is pretty cool.

But simultaneously, part of me feels ill at ease with the idea of other people reading about my mental health struggles. And some of these worries are pretty legitimate, I think. My anxiety centers around the possibility of important people reading my work, and having negative reactions, to it. For instance, what if I get passed over for a job, because a potential employer doesn’t want a mentally ill person in her workplace? What if I never get married, because no one would want a partner who is (for all intents and purposes) severely flawed? But a few things help sever such intense worries. Among these is my conviction in the adage: “don’t let fear of striking out keep you from playing the game…” don’t let fear of bad things happening keep you from living the way you would like. I would love to advocate for mental health as loudly and openly as I possibly can. So…I will. No one can stop me, except myself. It is only my own fears and anxieties (about what others will think) that can hinder my dreams.

Just as I have gotten over the dread and worry about how others will view me, I think it’s important for everyone who suffers from mental illness to get over the fear of what others will think about their disorder, too, and advocate for mental health. With the current unease about mental disorder that we as societies face, no one can prove that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of more than sufferers, themselves. They actually have the most credibility. They can show such things as: I’m a good mother/father, a good friend, a good neighbor, a good community member…a good person, and I have schizophrenia/bipolar/borderline personality disorder/whatever the case may be. They are the ones that can most convincingly show that mental disorder is, in a way, not that big a deal—that it is a range of illnesses that a person may develop, and that, just as with other illnesses, it is not a stain on society. And they can show that it needs to be empathized with, and not feared or treated with apprehension.

The issue of mental health advocacy on the part of people with mental illnesses affects the world, at large because it helps heal the world of the suffering that comes with mental health problems. When sufferers of mental health problems take in the empathy, compassion, and wisdom of others who also have mental disorders, recovery can occur (for the people who suffer) and continue (for the advocates). When dialogues are born between sufferers who feel that they are all alone or that their lives are too difficult and advocates who can tell those sufferers “Look—I am just like you…I have been there. Things get better,” mental health problems of sufferers and sufferers/advocates will be alleviated. Shared experiences, when brought to light, are extremely powerful. They are fountains of hope, comfort, relief…and eventually, healing.

~

As aforementioned, I have, at one point in my mental health struggles, thrown innocent objects with impressive strength against my living room wall, causing the innocent ears of my family members to (I’m sure) be forever scarred. The memory of that brings me intense guilt (at having pained my family), and intense sadness (at being so desperately ill that I became physically violent). But at the same time, I am thankful I have been through such painful experiences with mental illness. I believe that they have molded me into an empathetic, cognizant-of-life’s-joys, and unshakable person. In all honesty, chances are I would have never become that person, otherwise. I would have turned out an ok person—a half-way decent person (like almost everyone I know, in my life). Somehow, mental illness had made me into a person I’m proud to be. Hopefully, others who suffer from mental health issues can heal from their trauma, and come to this feeling, too. Hopefully, strong communities of sufferers create this feeling, among themselves.