List of One

This list has only one entry. All other events that happened in 2019, let alone the previous 45 years of my existence, pale in comparison.

- On June1st, 2019, I chose to end my mother's life. -

I gave the doctor permission to remove the machine that was breathing for her. There was no other person to which I could defer the decision. Dad passed two years prior. My schizophrenic brother did not understand why the decision was mine and not the doctor's. My brother didn't even go to the hospital to witness, but I won't blame him. Before I left the house that morning, I had to explain to him that mom was going to die that day. That is an interesting conversation to have, for sure.

Within ten minutes after the tube was withdrawn from her throat, she was gone. She slipped away quickly and quietly. My aunt and uncle were there along with a few of her closest friends. I was holding her hand the entire time. I was blessed with proper closure.

Would you believe me if I said that this sequence of events was probably the best way it could have possibly happened? I feel grateful that the quick downward spiral only lasted twelve days. That time felt like a kind of purgatory though, not knowing what outcome was ordained, but fully acknowleging that everything would be different at the conclusion.

Of course I had selfish feelings shortly after it happened, like why my patient who was older and sicker than mom would linger in agony and not die, while mom had to go so quickly. Ultimately, I learned that treasuring every moment with your loved ones, including family, friends, or even acquaintances, is the true fabric of life.

I am aware that this transition has been the fulcrum of my life, forever changing my path. I can handle anything now. My feathers cannot be ruffled. My conscience is clean. My priorities are clear. It is time to live!