Friends, I thought I had seen the last of those foul demons that yearn for my end, but today proved otherwise.

I got up this morning like any other morning and screamed at the sun to let those fucking sleeping vampires know they had missed their chance to make a tasty snack of me.

After a lengthy discussion with my neighbors about what constitutes a noise violation, I put my gesturing gun away and went out to Walmart.

Now brother, you don't have to be a monster hunter to know that monsters love any place that tasty humans will congregate, and pardner it was like a buffet of delicious slow moving red blooded Americans.

My cart was already full of donuts, donut holes, and glue, and I was on my way home to do the Lord's work when I felt something.

A nudge from behind.

The way a shark will bump into you to see how you taste before devouring you.

In a flash I spun around to see a goddamn fucking CYCLOPS sitting in one of those motorized scooters!

Getting pretty lazy aren't we, you monocular monster?

His hair was shock white and he looked as if he was poured into the chair. His fat hands were clutching the steering wheel which brought our worlds together.

Where his left eye should be, he had a goddamn piece of cloth tied around his head with elastic so that the average non monster hunter wouldn't notice he was a cyclops.

"Excuse me" he said and smiled, all the while trying to hide his man ripping fangs.

He hid them well.

He knew I was onto him and he would scout out a less street wise victim.

Well sir, I couldn't let that happen. No sir, this monster was going straight to hell, and I mean TODAY.

I followed him at a safe distance, first to the pharmacy, where he got a cornucopia of medications. I guess eating people ain't so healthy.

Then he went to the greeting card section a bought a 50th wedding anniversary card.

Better put "Hell" on the return address, pal.

Finally he took his little death mobile into the bathroom where I assume he would be sharpening his fangs in private. I wouldn't let him get that chance.

He went into a stall and prepared to do his evil work. I knew that it was now or never.

I KICKED OPEN THE DOOR!

He was sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles and a strange bag of a yellow liquid strapped to the inner part of his thigh. Probably some sort of Cyclops juice. I didn't have time to ask.

I've got you now, you fucking monster.

"Excuse me, this stall is occupied"

"You've occupied our world for long enough, monster"

"I'm sorry?"

"I bet you are"

I raised the crossbow, which I had just purchased but failed to mention earlier in the story, and pointed it straight at this quivering mess of a cyclops.

"Son you don't have to..."

And with that I let the bolt fly. Crossbow bolt and monster face met in an instant.

The bolt won.

This pitiful sack of monster leaked all over the damn floor, and brother, I wasn't going to stick around to let his cyclops juice ruin my New Balance 835s. I finally got those the perfect shade of green after mowing the lawn IN THE SUN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I closed the bathroom stall and left that pathetic monster to be found by some grateful custodian.

As I was about to leave the crypt I had just created, I looked in this son of a bitch's basket.

Just as I suspected. Not a single loaf of bread.

I'm sure he had enough at home from grinding up human bones.

I strolled out to my car to find a goddamn Frankenstein dressed as a police officer leaving a ticket on my car.

I quickly dispatched him with a hammer and then drove home where I would enjoy the safety of daylight in a hammock with some tea and a nice turkey sandwich on WHEAT bread.