6:00 am

“5 years

Since I last saw you,

4 days

Since my last drink

For you.

3 hours

Since I last smoked a cigarette

For you,

2 minutes

Since I last thought of you

And 1 second

That I’ll be okay for you.”

4 ½ years earlier

Today hurts.

I miss you.

Those chocolate brown waves,

The warm feeling your eyes hold.

It’s a feeling of something safe,

Something I can’t explain

But there’s a word for it.

Home.

When you left,

I lost a structure,

Your embrace.

How you would hold me,

So close,

And keep me from breaking.

I lost familiarity,

I knew every crevice of your body,

The cute little dimple in your

Right shoulder blade.

The mole on the

Left side of your neck.

The way your hands

Were rough but so soft,

When you rolled over

And pulled me closer in a dead slumber.

That was what home felt like.

I woke up this morning,

Forgetting what you felt like.

When I woke up

Next to you.

I would wake up to your breath

Slightly tickling the space behind my ear.

I haven’t felt that tickle in a while

But today I finally felt the empty space

Behind my right ear.

Tears build up,

And threaten to break free.

Any progress I start to build.

I think of my therapists words.

“It’s okay to not be strong enough.”,

But I need to be.

It’s been 6 months

And 3 days,

Since the last morning

I felt your breath tickle

The space behind my right ear.

6 months,

3 days

And 20 hours

Since the last morning

I saw the cute little dimple in your

Right shoulder blade,

And the mole on the

Left side of your neck.

Felt the way your hands

Were rough but so soft,

Pulling me closer to you

To kiss me good morning.

Even though our breaths

Smelled like death,

You laughed

And looked at me.

Showed me that smile

I love so much.

I need to be okay.

Because they expect that from me.

Because it’s been

6 months

And 2 ½ days

Since I saw that smile,

Kissed those lips

And felt my home

For the last time.

And now I’m slowly breaking.

I just don’t want to move,

Don’t want to speak

Don’t want to live.

It’s only 6 in the morning

And I just to be next to you.

Like I was,

At 6:00am

6 months

And 3 days ago.