I Know Why Bukowski Smiled.

Today, I lost my job.

Shit canned.

Fired.

L

E

T

Go …

And I find myself,

Curious and relieved.

I should be fucking, terrified right now.

Afterall …

I find myself

Sitting in the dark, nestled in a contemplative womb marveling at fate's irony:

there are no coincidences, and somehow, some strange way, this feels “right.” And there isn't a thing about my life that's felt “right” in a very, long time …

It's a lot.

The twisted mind games with my ex, my ambiguous and mercurial health, my VERY troubled child … my child that's no trouble at all … paired and tangled up with precarious finances thay hangby a frayed and loose thread ... Served upon this plate of shit, with a side of mother's anguish, from which I eat daily ...

with delusive smiles … because it's all I've got,

or rather, it's all I had.

Save for the garnish.

I like to push my alienation to the side … just in case I should find myself

HERE.

Where it all gets too God damn, heavy.

The weight is crushing;

relentless anticipation piled upon my chest, stone by stone.

One stone.

Two stones.

Three stones.

Four stones … fears and woes, spidering across my icy ribs, until they crack.

Splintering the content expertly: the debris that's left in it's searing wake, carves out instinctual ways.

You can only dig so long, but you can still dig yourself a hole.

A way to pass the time.

Seduced by revelation.

A grave to occupy,

alongside your comforting annihilation.

It’s brutal.

Basking in, “ what used to be,”

YOUR life.

Plight comes disguised as your, “clever survival.”

Cunning contradictions that will choke you with obligatory humor and manic wit

Until

You

ARE

Gasping.

On the stench of your own compulsory familiarity.

You've lost

(It is TOO Good damn, HEAVY)

so much, you're left with little else but yourself and you have left is to

L

E

T

Go.

It pokes.

It pricks.

It bleeds.

It bites.

It breaks my bones …

And I KNOW why Bukowski smiled.

***

Yesterday,

I lost my job.

Today I woke, terrified

(to have) found myself

Still,

Curious

and

Relieved.

~N.E. Philomèle~ ©️2020 ©️2019