No clue but it needs to be said

I wrote this during XMas and just need to place it here...I have found a soul mate in John, whom I’ve known since I was 18. Koreen and I hadn’t hung around in years when I met him. I had a love and respect for the man like no other. When they met I gave them both the thumbs up on each other, they married two years later. Had a beautiful baby girl and eventually a grandchild named Jackson. Koreen took her life Feb 22-2019

Our world has changed.

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Turns out I’m the ghost living in her stead.

Not minding yet heartbeats break under the direct blow to my being.

She took her life, left them behind to bleed - I’m standing in her shoes like they fit but truly they’re not me - not at all.

Too big, wide, sparkly and tall.

I’m a kick ya in the nuts boot for sure.

Heals are for combat and I’ve won the war not to mention the battle every fucking day.

I’m giving my everything and asking for nothing in return but the guilt of their love is overwhelming some days.

How to explain my love/hate for her in a way anyone could completely understand is beyond me for it ebbs and flows with each second.

I knew her many moons ago, she was no longer the Koreen I knew yet my heart can’t quite phantom how far she fell from who she was.

We would have one child each and we would give them the world we never had. This is not the world her daughter deserves, one where she has to find a way without her mother.

I hug them and tell them everyday how my heart has grown...and maybe one day it’ll reach the heavens.

Love your people

Love your life

Love yourself

and praise all

that you be

blessed just

to breathe