Anxiety in May.

I am jolted awake again; the third day this week where I am filled with anxiety for no apparent reason other than existing. My heart is racing and my skin is tingling; my body in fight or flight mode, full of adrenaline. Sitting up feels necessary but as I do it, the weight of a piano sits on top of my chest. I reach for my water on the nightstand and force myself to drink even though I don’t feel thirsty. Shaking takes over my body and the urge to run is rushing through my veins. My throat begins to swell uncomfortably and a familiar sour taste makes its way to my mouth; I swallow disgusted. I close my eyes and hold my hand to my chest; I’ve never been sure what “proper meditation” should look like but this helps me to stop the “freaking out” that is happening. I focus on nothing but the breathing, nothing but the air… In and out… Tears pour from my face and I acknowledge them and then ignore their presence. I don’t brush them away. I don’t try to stop them. My mind is lost in the breath, lost in the air.

When my heart has slowed down, I open my eyes to rain. My body filled with an indescribable rush, I grab my favorite hoodie and pull it over my head before leaving my bedroom through the french doors. The porch wood feels warm on my feet even though the sun is not shining… I take the steps down and embrace the feeling of the sand beneath me. I find myself soaking wet in just seconds; the cold rain rushing down my face. I am lost in something; a feeling of dread and numbness… Maybe. I’m not completely sure what it is but I am running. My ankles immersed in the waves now, the water crashing into the shore as the storm continues to pick up. I am in the water; floating. My face up towards the sky and my eyes closed once more.

I don’t know what I’m looking for but I find it here. In the ocean. I wonder if the ocean ever has anxiety. If it ever cries or worries about the problems that it faces. Does it feel the oil spills? Does it feel the ever changing heat? The reefs dying? I think it must. She must and yet I feel calm here. It is as if the rocking of the ocean and the rain drops on my face take away the feelings of “something is wrong”; it changes the rhythm of my heartbeat.

May! May! What are you doing?!

I am one with the ocean now; I’m not here at all. I am just a grain of sand or a star floating in the galaxy…

He grabs me and I’m shaken back to reality. It feels harsh, like a punch to the gut except he’s barely touching me.

May! What in the world? What are you doing out here? My name bubbles out of his mouth with a small giggle. Didn’t you see we’re having a hurricane? Come on, we need to go inside.

I nod but I don’t speak. He holds my hand gently and I know he must have been worried. I can see it all over his face. His eyebrows always give away what he’s thinking; he’s trying to figure out if I’ve lost it this time or if this is just another thing that is “normal” for me.

Aren’t you freezing?

No, I’m okay. I’m sorry I scared you. I just needed to get away for a minute… I woke up with the worst feelings.

Okay… I’m sorry. Let’s change. I’ve brought some supplies… We can eat.

He closes the french doors and begins to remove his clothes. He’s not very graceful but still, I enjoy watching him. He doesn’t notice me watching until he’s done; naked. With his attention on me, I start to undress… My hoodie is off and my clothes are see-through. He watches but is unsure of what he wants to do. He is always delicate, thoughtful, calculated… I wait though. I wait for him to decide, for him to give in. It doesn’t take him long. As soon as I smile, he is rushing over; the warmth of his breath gives me goosebumps as he wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck. We find ourselves under the sheets in seconds.

“I love you.” He whispers and my heart feels like it will burst… Tear drops fall into in pillows and I know he feels everything too. In that moment we both fall into the ecstasy of the moment, into the gentle lull of lust turned to the depths of intimacy. I lie in the space between his arm and body tracing the stretch marks that run up and down his stomach and chest as he tickles my back softly until we fall asleep.

When I wake up, he is still fast asleep and I feel, full. There is no anxiety sitting in my ribcage. I sneak away and get into the shower. The water immediately turning my pale skin meteorite red. I take my time, scrubbing every part of my body, washing the salt water from my hair… I get out and feel a rush of emotion, no longer numb; my hair up in a towel, I sit and I write until I feel empty. I wonder if love can be labeled as a coping mechanism… I find sandwiches in the fridge ready to eat. I take one and pour half a glass of wine and I eat there at the kitchen counter alone listening to the distance sound of you snoring.