Bullies

Everything was wet. Another October squall had rolled in and customers arrived dripping, tracking in puddles. They draped their saturated coats over the backs of chairs, laid aside umbrellas. The atmosphere was damp in the restaurant. To the diners, it probably felt cozy. Ben just felt hot and sticky and his collared shirt scratched his neck. Mom always told him there would be nothing but shit jobs for a while if he didn’t take any risks. But the pain of taking risks had not yet outweighed the pain of shit jobs. Ben hated taking risks and that’s why he was filling pitchers of beer for college kids while wait staff ran burgers out of the kitchen.

Tuesdays at Bullies, there was never a break in the action. Two-dollar pitchers and two-dollar beers. At least the place was so full of young people the older, fussier crowd wasn’t making an appearance. No need to mix drinks for the ladies or make tired conversations with the schmoozers. All of it was just so boring and gross. The floors were sticky, and everything smelled of beer, sweat, and bleach. Bartending paid the bills while Ben lumbered through school but all of it felt so pointless already.

“Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck! Ben, I’m going to murder someone today. I can feel it. My section’s turned over three times already and I maybe have $20 in tips. Why the fuck am I working on this night? College kids don’t know shit about tipping!” Tessa clenched her teeth and hissed while she stacked her tray with pitchers for downstairs. Tessa’s moods swung between delightful pranks and dancing, all the way through murderous oaths. One time she was so enraged with a customer that she chipped her tooth bitching about how stupid the world was. But Ben didn’t mind her rants, he knew she was harmless and a bit of a soft touch and he agreed. The tips were shit.

Right now the bar was loud and Ben had to lean into anyone he wanted to hear. In an hour, the restaurant would close downstairs and he could begin to feel calm again. An hour after that he could kick out the last drinkers, clean up, and count the till. He’d be home by one and he could take a shower and finally slide into bed, clean as a baby. Despite the present din and demands, it gave him a shiver of pleasure to think about this promise.

Ben’s brief moment was interrupted by a crash from downstairs. He could hear a young man’s voice, “I’m sorry! Sorry!” and then Tessa, “It’s fine, fine. Thank you, I’ve got this.” And so on. Poor Tessa. For all of his misery, Ben was fairly certain - Tessa was more miserable than him. Ben sent his bar help down to assist with whatever clean up was necessary. He knew the dishwasher would be slammed and would be no help. Just as Mark headed down, Shannon headed up.

“Two pitchers of hefeweizen, Ben. And someone was looking for you downstairs.”

“Oh yeah?” Ben raised an eyebrow. He couldn’t imagine anyone would be looking for him. In his close circle of friends, they all knew where he worked and where to find him. “Are they still there?”

“No. He said he didn’t want to bother you while you’re busy but he’ll be back later tonight.” Shannon smiled. “Do you owe anyone money? He looked like kind of a pushover but maybe that’s how they work. They send the sweeties out to break the kneecaps so you won’t know to run.”

“That’s cute, If I ever need to run a crime syndicate I’ll try that. What’d he look like?”

“Short.” She brought her hand to her chin to indicate how he stacked up to her tall frame, “Super curly dark hair. Baby beard.”

Something clicked for Ben, “Crazy blue eyes?”

“Yes! With intense eyelashes! So you do know this person!”

A little deflated to have so easily solved the mystery, “His name’s Chris. He’s in one of my classes.”

Shannon shrugged and gathered her necessities, “Not my type, but I’d have dinner with him.” Ben rolled his eyes at this last comment. Shannon was a creature of the earthier delights. She adored her boyfriend but she couldn’t ignore the marketplace.

The hours wore on and eventually the place was quiet with just a couple tables still occupied. It was quiet enough that Ben could hear the music so he changed the CD and put on The Verve. The place felt like it belonged to him.

Tessa came up the stairs and took a seat at the bar. Ben poured her a club soda and waited for this evening’s denunciations.

She started to count her cash but she just couldn’t concentrate, “How do you stand it, Ben? You’re back there behind the bar, and nothing ever seems to bother you? When David’s here, he’s always flapping around like an angry chicken. Roger just drinks. But you, you’re just calm, cool Ben.”

“I’m sure I get upset sometimes. I’m just getting through the night.”

“No, you just are so even. I envy you, Ben. Did you hear that crash earlier, some jock boy jumped up from his seat and knocked my tray! I had just cleared a table so all those dirty dishes went everywhere! What the hell? It took everything I had not to thrash that guy.”

“I heard it. You were fine. It’s all good.”

“No, Ben.” But she let it go. Ben stayed near in case she needed to say more but she returned to counting and he rinsed the remaining glasses. He could feel her sadness and it slowed him down a bit, wishing there was something he could say.

Downstairs, he heard Shannon send someone his way. Chris appeared and his face lit up when he saw Ben. Again something shifted in Ben. Why hadn’t he noticed this guy before? Ben glanced at Tessa, she had noticed it too. This new person was interesting.

“Hey man, I hope it’s okay that I stopped by, I haven’t seen you in class for a while and...well...” Chris flushed and stammered a bit.

Catching Chris in his falter, “No, I’m so glad you came by. Do you want anything? We’ll be here for a bit hanging out. This is a good time.”

Chris relaxed a bit and took a seat a few stools down from Tessa. “I’ll just have a soda if that’s cool.” While Ben filled his glass, Tessa leaned over.

“I’m Tessa.”

“Hey, I think I’ve seen you around. Nice to know your name. Are you in the art department?”

“No. I’m trying to get into Industrial Design but I need to take art classes. That’s probably where you’ve seen me.”

“That makes sense. Ben and I have a seminar in the building but I’m not an art major either.”

Ben cleared his throat. The truth was he didn’t want to talk about school. If Chris was here to talk about class, he wanted to get this done and over and with little fanfare. “So what’s up, Chris?”

“So the girl you sit with? It’s Megs right?”

“Yeah, Megs. She’s a friend. ”

“Oh, well. I asked her where you’d been and she said you’ve been sick.” His words ran into each other quickly now, “I know you guys usually sit together but I noticed she didn’t take notes. She must be really smart to remember everything that comes up. Well, I just thought if you wanted me to help you out with what you missed, I’d be happy to help.”

Tessa brightened, “Oh my God! You’re so sweet!” and then turning to Ben. “What’s going on with you? I didn’t know you were sick.”

Here it is, Ben thought. Why can’t he just blend in? Deep sigh.

“I had this thing...” He saw the look of worry and horror on both their faces. He was making it way worse. Tall, super thin, he looked barely healthy as it was. Best not to freak anyone out. “I have a collapsed lung. It sounds horrible but I’m fine. It’s okay.”

Tessa, with her standard response as she took in major information, “Wow.”

Chris’s brow furrowed, “Should you be working? How can you breathe? That sounds major.”

“It takes time but it will heal on its own. It’s not as bad as it was the last time,” Noting Chris’s attempt to interject, he stops him, “Like I said it’s fine, no one’s going to die but I was tired this week so I just slept a lot. I have to pay rent so I’m saving my energy for work right now.”

And now Ben was tired and he desperately wanted to get home. It hit him like a wall and he wanted to be alone so he could finish up and leave. He craved sleep and, although he was curious about the sudden appearance of Chris, he just wanted to lock up.

“Tess, is Mike picking you up?” A subtle hint.

Tessa pulled herself up and brightened a bit, checking her watch. “Oh, he should be here now.” Quickly gathering her things and apologizing for her haste, she rushed to the stairs, “He hates waiting.”

Both Chris and Ben watched her depart and listened as she scrambled around downstairs. They could hear the sparkle of Shannon’s laugh and the nervous tension in Tessa’s voice as she raced to get her stuff together. The door, and a man’s voice. He is pleasant, Tessa’s voice shifts again, and she and Shannon create a duet of delightful sisterhood. The door, and silence.

Chris turns to Ben, “Interesting.”

“Yeah,” Ben exhales. “I hate that guy.” This is not something he’d thought about before. Maybe he was just too tired to say anything but the truth.

“Are you into her?”

“Tessa? When she’s around her boyfriend, or worried about him, or talks about him...she’s just different. Otherwise, she’s great. But, no, I’m not into her. I just think she’s in a bad place with that guy.” While he talked, he noticed the rain had really started coming down. Huge sheets of it. The sound was both soothing and thrilling.

Chris sat awkwardly for a moment, half on his stool, one foot on the ground. His soda was gone and he slurped through the ice with his straw. “So will you be back in class soon?”

Ben had momentarily forgotten why Chris had come, and he refocused on the boy at his bar. Such a pleasant face. “Did you drive here? I rode my bike and it’s coming down.”

*

The apartment was a little chilly so Tessa and Shannon sat on the futon together under the blanket. Bob, the lanky hound Mike and Tess had adopted in the summer sat on the couch as well. The TV was on and the girls shared their bowl of chips. Tessa felt such contentment. She hadn’t had a chance to hang out with Shannon since she started seeing Mike. Beautiful Shannon, who’d encouraged her to go to Europe over the summer, helped her find her adorable apartment with the skylight in the bedroom. She’s even gotten her the shitty job at Bullie’s so that she could pay for it all. Why had she let Shannon slip away? Yes, they saw each other at work but it was always so frantic and Shannon wasn’t one to get deep while filling sodas and running burgers.

The health department had blessedly closed down Bullies earlier in the day because there was a problem with the sewer line, flooding the kitchen. Shannon and Tessa had an unplanned evening off and, instead of going home to their respective boyfriends, Tessa suggested they just hang out for once.

Seinfeld made Tessa a little uncomfortable. George just made the stupidest choices and it made her stomach tight, waiting for a resolution. They were only watching because Shannon loved the show. But right now, Elaine was reacting to something Jerry said, and both Shannon and Tessa laughed with delight. So liberating to watch Elaine go nuts. The girls recovered and went for the chips, Bob lifted his head and looked at the door.

“Someone’s at the door. Is Mike coming over tonight?” Shannon kept eating her chips and watched the door.

“I didn’t tell him I was home but I did pick up Bob earlier. He probably figured it out.” The door opened and there was Mike. Tessa smiled but didn’t get up. She let Bob greet her boyfriend. Mike was tall and ten years older than her and he made her feel like a grown-up. Every choice she made was a grown-up choice because he picked her. Such a man as Mike, would not pick a little girl. She wasn’t sure if she loved him, but she did love the security of him.

Mike did not smile at the girls. He knelt and rubbed Bob’s ears and gave him a hearty hello but he did not smile at Tessa nor did he greet Shannon. “Were you going to tell me you were home or did you just want me to worry about Bob?”

Both the girls froze. Tessa felt that gripping again. She suddenly had no access to her thoughts or logic. She knew there was a rage in there and the tightness in her throat told her she should have the right words but there was nothing. Just despair.

Shannon got up, made her excuses and quickly headed out the door. In just minutes, the light was gone from Tessa’s evening. So cold and she couldn’t find her words or thoughts. But she went to Bob and pet him a bit, she breathed. Talking to Bob, not to Mike, “I didn’t mean to worry you. They sent us home tonight and I thought Bob would like to have some company. I guess I thought you would realize I had Bob. I take him all the time anyway.”

“Hey, instead of guessing what I’ll think, why don’t you leave a note? Do you think you could do that?”

Again, the horrible pit in Tessa’s stomach. Fuck, why can’t she find the right words? The line of reasoning she’s supposed to use? Treading water, drowning.

And then it was over. Mike had settled in and was smiling. “I went by Bullies and it was dark. What happened? Did they finally get shut down? That place is the worst.” And the conversation proceeded from there. A little bit of banter and news of the day.

“Well, should we head back to my place? You know we wouldn’t have these little issues if we lived together.” He pulled Tessa in close and she had that safe feeling all over again, no more worry or despair. Mike was just so large, a physical reminder that she was wanted and safe. Tessa relaxed into his arms, letting go of the tension from a few minutes ago.

The pair walked back to Mike’s apartment, Bob on the leash crisscrossing ahead of them. The January night was crisp, the stars out. Comet Halle-Bopp hung in the sky just has it had been for days now. Tessa, loving the feel of the evening, went to hold Mike’s hand but he brushed her hand away - he hated holding hands. Despite the conversation, Tessa withdrew into herself, looking hard at the comet. Such an extraordinary event, and yet she felt so un-extraordinary.

“Doesn’t it feel like, we should be doing something significant right now? With that comet just hanging there? It feels like we’ve been touched with some kind of luck and we’re supposed to do something with it.” Tessa had stopped and was just looking up at the sky. Mike was a few paces ahead of her, distracted by Bob’s busyness.

“Sure. If you need to put more pressure on yourself. It seems to me that life is pretty good right now as it is. What else is there to do?” Mike had finally got his dream job coaching and working in the athletic department. He was making real grown-up money for the first time in his life. He came back to Tessa, “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Tessa could not mirror Mike’s warmth at that moment. His emphatic statement knocked her a bit. She was not the happiest she’d ever been and she knew she was supposed to be something more. But what was it? Not a fucking clue. So she just smiled and swallowed it all down.

*

After a week of April rain, the weather was glorious and Ben was happy to have a free day to walk around and just be. He could smell spring and the sky was crystal blue. From that first night with Chris, the two had quickly worked their lives together. Ben quit his job at the bar, tired of the neglectful owners and needy patrons. With Chris’s encouragement, he had started working at the university library. That terrible feeling of killing time was gone. His job had a purpose, school had a purpose. He came home to Chris in the evening and everything felt right. Ben knew that most of this high was from the new sun, but he also knew he truly was better off now than he was just six months ago.

Lots of dog walkers out on this day. Ben got pets in with a German Shepard, a baby English bulldog, a couple of mutts, and then up ahead he saw a familiar dog. He saw Bob race up the steps to the sidewalk before he saw Tessa. In the bright light of such a delightful day, one could almost miss Tessa’s sadness but Ben knew her moods. They hadn’t seen each other in months and Tessa was truly happy to see him but her expression got serious too quickly, hands and body stilled before she even started to say ‘hello’.

The two watched Bob nose around and there, just a few feet away, was a massive anthill. They stood in awe and watched the mound seethe with red ants. Ben could almost hear their millions of tiny legs. “Have you ever seen anything like this?” he asked.

“No”

“It’s so disgusting but I can’t look away.”

“Is it disgusting?” Ben glanced at Tessa.

She thought about the question. “No, disgusting isn't the word...Upsetting. Rationally, I know it’s just what they do. But it’s upsetting.” She put her hand on Ben’s thin arm. “How are you? I’ve thought about you.”

“Good. Chris and I are talking about going on a trip to Europe next summer.” It felt really good to say ‘Chris and I’ to someone who knew the significance of the phrase. Someone who cared about both of them. But her face and response stung him unexpectedly

“Together? You guys want to travel together?”

Ben thought she was a good one, a supporter. He collected himself and chose his words carefully, “Yes, we do. It’s what couples do.”

She had a look of genuine confusion which surprised him, “Oh. I would not want to travel with Mike. We’d be miserable the whole time.”

And then Ben understood his friend’s mind. This wasn’t about him and he wanted to fold Tessa in his arms, squeeze some understanding into her. So innocent and so stupid.

The dog yanked on Tessa and made as if to go but she pulled him back, “How’s your shitty lung?”

“Not as shitty as your boyfriend.”

To Ben’s relief and delight, Tessa let out a full belly laugh. She hugged Ben and told him she’d call him soon. They went their separate ways. Ben didn’t think he could be happier today but he was. He looked back and now Tessa and Bob were a full block away. He could see Tessa waiting while Bob did his business. When he was done, she just walked away.