It starts with a game of pacman.

I was playing a mindless game on the computor earlier today. A typically mind numbing piece called “Killer Pacman.” For those who aren’t familiar with the game it consists of you (playing as a rubber ball) against them (pacmen who appear as only heads). The pacmen heads sail by you at different rates of speed and it is up to you, as a rubber ball, to bounce on to them and kill them. Sounds pretty simple right? Well it is until you get to the higher levels where the time gets shorter and the number of pacmen heads you need to take down gets longer. A great way to waste an hour so.......

Anyway, here I was playing this stupid thing and losing big time, when I happened to notice that in one instance, there was an entire cloud of the right color of pacmen heads (did I forget to mention that each level calls for a particular color of pacman head ) floating by me, some fast, some slow. I managed to miss the entire flock not because my aim was off or I was too slow, I simply was caught off guard and I let it slip right on by.

In that moment it felt like the story of my life. I have literally watched my life and the opportunities it has presented, float right past me. It was a very sobering thought and it got me to question why it is I have left the better part of my life stagnate in mediocraty. And that is at its best. At the worst, my life plunges into destitution from its highpoint of stable mediocraty, but never once can I recall reaching out and trying to touch apon greatness or at least good. This then, is what came to me.

I am extremely lacking in confidence. OK, now what? Well, how is it that I am so unconfident in myself? Lets try looking at how my mind speaks to itself. I didn’t even have to think about that one. My internal dialougue is one steady put down of me and my abiitities or lack thereof. If is often puncuated with repetitions of the words stupid, failure, hopeless, and bad. If I knew someone and they were to talk to me like I talk to myself, I would think that they were the meanest most hateful person on the face of this earth and while I may agree with them, I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to spend any time with them. Yet I am stuck, everyday, listening to the voice inside my head (and at times out loud) putting myself down or tryiing to convince myself that my life is in ruins and I'd be best off just packing it up and living in the woods,

lt is easy for me to see how my early internal vocabulary was formed. I can still clearly remember my mother telling me such things as “No man would ever want me because I have nothing to offer and I am a lousy person.” Self congratulation was frowned apon in my family though frequent reminders were given me of my failings. To say, even to oneself, that they did well or was capable of achieving great things was to be considered overbearably conceited, thus making it yet another failing.

But even so, what has stopped me from giving up this negative script and trying out a new one, a more positive one? Years of repetion of the old to the point that it is burned into the very fabric of my soul and to remove it will take a monumental effort of the highest order. Again, that takes being able to believe in yourself and your ability to overcome. Not an easy thing to do when your mental tape is playing a litany of put downs on repeat.

I don’t know that thinking about this, or knowing where it comes from, does any good at the end of the day, but I do know that it has got me aware of how bad the problem is and maybe, just maybe I can sneak a few kind words into myself on a regualr enough basis that one or two will take hold. In the meantime I can hold tight and try not to sink the few ships of mine that are still sea worthy. Just a thought.