Plot Twist

lately i have been intrigued by my own trauma

I don’t know if i’m intrigued by the way it has shaped me, or if i’m curious as to why it continues to affect me?

it’s as if suddenly all of the emotions and thoughts that i have collected over the years have compiled and have begun seeping from my pores

the outline of my trauma is simply a rough-draft, it tiptoes at the edges of the story, but it doesn’t give away the plot.

the storyline of my trauma is a little fuzzy, suppression like a rainstorm on the freeway, the context like windshield wipers that don’t work. my memories, smeared across the glass.

i’m most fascinated by my storyline, because i can see a clear picture of the affects it has had on my story.. but there are things that i am curious about.

what happened to me to make me the way that i am? do i remember what it is? why has it had such lasting impressions on me? will i ever get past it, or will this forever be a piece of the baggage i carry?

the plot of my story is undecided, it rolls with the punches and changes direction every once in a while

the ending to my story may be the most terrifying part. the ending is undecided, undetermined, and unexpected in every way.

i was never abandoned as a child, but i have an immense fear of being abandoned. i want to know where that is derived from.

i sometimes fear that my mind has suppressed key factors and experiences that have provided me with such intense trust issues, anxiety, and vulnerability.

i am quite obviously attracted to mentally abusive, manipulative men. i know it’s because my dad is that way, but i can’t remember everything clearly.

i wish i could play a movie of my childhood to help myself better understand what affects it has truly had on me.

therapy has only danced around the thought of this past trauma, but i want to dive head first into it.

will i ever find love, or is true love just imaginary? is there something wrong with me? is there something about me that attracts abusers? why do i fall for men who are incapable of loving me?

i feel simply unlovable

and maybe that’s the plot twist after all