Quivering Feather

It's winter. The snowflakes are graciously dancing in the wind. They fall onto the pavement before me and linger for a while longer before melting into each other. They say that every snowflake is different. Each one is unique in their own way, and I don't doubt that. But there must be some that are almost completely identical. Some feel jealous that they are not so different from the next.

It's been three days. Sitting on the pavement for three days just hoping to find someplace to live. I could go to a hotel; I have sufficient funds to do so. I would rather punish myself for what I've done than give myself the luxury of a shelter. I don't deserve it.

As I sit on the pavement, the snowflakes eventually start to stack upon each other. The cold, frigid air finally creating the perfect environment for their icy bodies to stay. I have been sitting here for days for the same reason that I did my horrible act in the first place, I don't care. I haven't cared for a long time. It was only a matter of time before anyone really caught on to my apathetic attitude to finally do something about it.

Earlier in the year, I had noticed this sinking feeling that originated in my chest. Slowly, slowly sinking deeper and deeper until the pit of my stomach catches on fire. My wife reminds me day in and day out to watch the kids while she goes to work. She's angry with me all the time. The kids are too much to handle. My last one didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to. In fact, I didn't even want it at all. She told me she couldn't get pregnant and now look at us. It's not my fault anyway, it's the woman's job to get sterilized.

I was bored, I was selfish, and in a way, I thought I was rewarding myself. It wasn't cheating unless I actually did something about it. Asking for pictures from the neighbor was the first of many rewards I gave myself. Then it was videos from my friends. Then it was online gambling. Then it was refusing to see my kids until I felt like it. I couldn't just let them see me like this. I wanted to get better before they could enter my life again. Or at least that was what I was telling myself.

I had a jacket and boots on but it only took me five minutes until I wasn't able to feel my fingers and toes. I clutch my phone in my hand, the only thing that has been keeping me afloat.

My first wife wasn't as brutal. She was small, caring, selfless. We had two kids and then I begged her to get fixed. She agreed and we had a good thing going for a while. Then she caught me talking to other women at work and she made a fuss. Kept telling me that we had a family and that it wasn't right to treat her that way. I said for what, I'm not allowed to talk to women? I called her controlling and called it a night. I only started feeling bad until after she went to the hospital for cancer. Our kids were still young so thank god they didn't understand what the fuck was going on. I took care of them while she was gone and that was the worst moment of my life. Too much work for a person like me. So I met her friend and we hit it off and that was when I told her I wanted a divorce.

My second wife was the one that did this. Been with her for years and we had that kid that I didn't want. Turned out that he had autism or some shit. It probably got it from her though, she smoked while she was pregnant. And then I felt my chest sink and I couldn't think of some other way to release it than talking to the neighbor about it. And sending pictures

So here I am. Do I regret any of it? Not really. It happened, there's no going back. So now, here I am in the snow. Where I belong. I've told my kids that I won't be seeing them for a long time. And it only seems fitting that I leave in the snow, in the dead of winter.