When I first realized

I don’t know when I first realized..... It must’ve been gradually sneaking up on me; crawling into my brain like those rats I despise crawl onto my makeshift bed each night. Maybe I’ve gone mad. Become a raving rabid lunatic like those very rats. No. It’s not me. It can’t be me. I am sane. I swear, I swear... I swear. Check my blood, scan my brain, test my taste buds for all I care. I can still taste the dry stale bread I had this morning. I stole it. Proudly I did. My name is Jean Valjean, and I did not forget your name... John...Jason... Jahv... stupid... stupid... I am not stupid! My name is Jean Valjean. 24601.... 2460... 2...4.... I....don’t remember. I don’t remember. Why can’t I remember? Ah, my mother. Sweet and kind. She took me to the theater when I was a young girl. She cooked me warm meals, her homemade chili. She made my bed for me, and topped it off with my favorite plush toy: Mr. Snuggles. He‘s the most ferocious of the dragons, yet the most gentle at heart. Even now, he sits atop my bed each night. It may not be the majestic throne he’s used to, but we make do. Oh there he is now. He’s flying off in the distance with my mother... I should... yes, I should join them. I will join tonight. I want to be under the stars that raised me when my mother was too far away to. She was always like an angel, it’s only rational that she should join them. I don’t know when I first realized.....I must’ve been trying too hard to get away. I can’t handle it most days. I’m sane.... It’s not me. I’m fine.... I swear, I swear... I swear. It’s them who’s crazy. It’s them who’s broken. Them who’s dysfunctional. Them who put themselves in a bad situation. Them who deserves it. It’s them who needs help! I don’t need help. I’m fine. It’s me versus Them. Somehow I’m the sane one. Them fights wars across nations: placing innocents in the cross fire. Them votes for corrupt politicians: worshipping their worst faults. Them is prejudiced against their own: killing people for being themselves. It is Them who has gone mad, Them who is broken, Them who has been shattered one too many times, Them who needs to be fixed. It’s Them who needs help. I don’t know when I first realized...that I’m not crazy. I don’t know when I first realized that I can’t fix Them. I don’t know when I first realized that it was time for me to give up. But, it’s my time now. It’s time for me to crawl back into the grimy earth I came from, like those rats I despise ever so. Or it’s time for me to fly with Mr. Snuggles, up on that castle on a cloud, where my dreams might come true. I’ll be free. This is my curtain call. I’ve chosen my path, far away from Them, and I’m going wherever it’ll take me. One last wandering, and I’ll be free. One last wandering.