Never Say Never

I had a feeling it was coming to an end, but not like this. Closing my eyes shut out the pain, but I could feel the blood seeping through. He got me good. Losing sensation in my hand, I opened my fist and pulled out the syringe. The act of it felt so foreign. Something I routinely did lifetimes ago, was something I promised to never do again. My fingers blossomed back, the tips stone in color and ice cold. The gauze had turned bright red, still taut around the center where the opening was the worse. The blade carved through several layers of flesh, barely touching the bone.  He drew a nice line from the outside of my wrist to an inch above my elbow. I didn’t notice the amount of sun spots on my arm until now. They were now scarred blotches of leather, stained by flakes of dried blood. I can’t believe it had already been twenty-four hours. At least the pain would be gone for now, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Robbie. 

            It’s hard to believe a year ago I didn't give a damn about anyone. After ma’s passing, my sister stopped answering my calls. It was as if she had buried me along with our mother. I tried reaching out to her during the few times I got sober, no luck. Back then I had gotten better at jumping the turnstiles in the trains. I'd finish a morning of feeding pigeons in Central park, then roam around the fancier parts of the city. One day I chose Soho. Robbie overheard my conversation walking down W. Broadway and chimed in as I turned on Canal. It was the first time anyone had ever interacted with me as I thought out loud. He pointed at a bodega up the street and said he needed a maintenance guy. When I asked what happened to the last one, he shrugged and said that his visa ran out. He had an accent himself but you could tell he had been in the city a long time. It was nothing more than running light errands, keeping the shop clean, and helping stock deliveries. I guess he thought it was something I could do. I looked down at the tattered soles on my shoes. He didn't seem to notice the frayed holes that had turned into air condition vents at my feet. I told him I'd ask around and kept it moving. 

I started making what seemed like permanent changes on my own then.  I had fewer run ins with the authorities and I had quit the drugs cold turkey. I had my fair share of rumbles but it wasn't about being a tough guy. It wasn't everyday we got noticed for being human, or even a hero. Figured I'd do some soul searching if I had any chance of making it off the streets.

About two weeks after that encounter I found myself along the same path, in the realms of the same thought process. This time I remembered  the conversation. He agreed that God gave us free will. Robbie was just a few steps behind me. "Why don't you come in tomorrow?" he asked, "You look like a handy guy." He stood right at my shoulders, and reminded me of my grandmaster in junior high. I shrugged not wanting to make any promises. I proceeded to wave my salute but before I could, he shouted, "See you tomorrow!"

           A year later I'm tackling some kid who robs his store. The punk couldn't have been a day past nineteen. I contemplated taking his life with that bullet. My prints were all over his gun anyway. It wasn't my decision to make. There were shards of broken glass everywhere. Robbie's blood leaked from behind the counter towards the entry way. We grappled a bit before I was able  to free the gun from his hands, flinging it about a foot away. I held a tight grip even though he had managed to pull out a blade and knife me. Kicking him to the floor, I pinned him down as I reached for the gun. I fired a single shot to his arm before he could run away. The place was a crime scene. I ran behind the counter but it was too late. There was a puddle of blood surrounding Robbie's lifeless body. Time was running out for me too. The least I could do was dial 9-1-1 before the cops came. I took one final look at the place and limped out the bodega.

            The Hudson was beautiful than normal tonight. You could see the moons reflection sitting along the pier. Depending on the day it was also a great place to watch the sunrise. I’d be moving into my place in a week if Robbie was still here. We were meant to finalize everything today. The longer I sat here, the more comfortable I became with my decision. I drew back the syringe one final time, doubling the amount. Battery Park was a rare quiet for the city, but just the quiet I needed right now. The water had even grown still, sending out a sense of comfort. This wasn't the ending we had hoped for. I knew I had made the right choice, only this time Robbie wouldn't agree.