Thought Process

Being alone and isolated is scary. (I have so much anger inside of me I didn't know existed. I'm mad at my dad for giving me a shitty easter 10 years ago, and I'm mad at everyone for treating my grandma like she was sick when she was sick -because that's the last thing you want when you're sick, Right?- Maybe that's why she was my best friend? Because I never treated her any different, I never acted like she had cancer and I never gave her those sad eyes like everyone else did. I'm mad at my mom. Why wouldn't she bring me to see my grandma on her death bed? I never got to say bye. I guess I was young, I don't think I would've understood and watching everyone cry would've shread my soul. That would've been the only time she would've seen my sad eyes. My sad eyes have only been used once. Watching my mom get carried in on a streatcher with blood- looking like dye on her chest. That was the saddest moment of my life... Or was it coming back to the same hospital because I overdosed -17 Tylenol (cold and flu), 5 Ibueprfen (200mg), 1 bottle of liquid tylenol, at least 10 melatonine... Im gagging just thinking about it. Swallowing pills is never the same now. Now I can feel what I did the day I inhaled pills -I didn't want to be alive. But what has changed? not much... Nothing actually. My boyfriend didn't even come visit me when I was in the hopital... "I sure know how to pick em!" Funny thing is we stayed together for 5 more months after that, until life started to pile up and he could no longer support me and went into the deep end too. He was good to me and I'm sad I never noticed the love pouring out of him. I think about him everyday still. Sometimes I wish I could hug him and tell him I love him and just hold him and everything will be okay... He did me wrong too much. He did things I couldn't forget. So lets just drop this thought. Wow it's already 2:30 and I only just woke up an hour ago! That's sad...) But being alone with your thoughts is far worse.