Friends, I had foolishly thought that the stories of witches were only that. Stories.

What happened to me today shook me to my very core.

I was feeding the monsters I keep locked in my basement for experiments and one of them mentioned that he was a chef.

I remember now, he was pretending to be a human chef at one of those snooty restaurants. I knew he was a monster when he asked me to put out my cigar at the table.

Everyone knows that monsters hate cigar smoke, but apparently monsters don't know not to throw the trash out by themselves at night.

Anyway, this dumb monster with realistic human blood had begged me for food. I had been conducting an experiment to determine how much cat litter a monster could eat and learning quite a bit.

Mainly that if monsters eat cat litter, they die.

That's good science right there.

Anyway, this gourmet ghoul begged me for real food. Sobbing and sniffling like a real bitch.

I told him that I would go out and find something for him. I had been wanting to do an experiment with sand anyway.

So I put on my name tag and went out to the Walmart.

"Hello, Chief Bigdick, do you need another 3 large bags of kitty litter?"

Friends, did you know that you can get anything you want printed on a name tag? And people have to call you that, it's the damn law.

"No Ted, I think I'll take some sand today."

"Great, I'll bring it by. Just a second."

As..I wanna say...Tad(?) waddled off like a cowpoke who had been poked himself a bit too much, I walked over to the pet section so I could taunt the fish by breathing.

The employees used to be less diligent and I was able to submerge the hamsters in the fish tank, and take the fish out of the water. Of course I was trying to stoke resentment amongst the animals who watched their brethren perish while the other animals did nothing but watch them die.

But alas, they had beefed up security significantly in the way of padlocks on all of the animal cages.

Still, I hoped that I could remind the fish of the foolish way their friends gasped for air while literally surrounded by it and it would incite a full-blown interspecies war.

Plus I needed something to do while I waited for Tim to bring the sand.

Just then I saw it. A frail old woman with a shopping cart full of toilet paper.

She must be having some gastrointestinal issues after eating delicious children!

Now brother, I don't have to tell you that I can't abide a witch eating children.

I got close enough to peer into her cart and what I saw sealed the deal. In addition to her toilet paper, she also had pretzel flavored Goldfish crackers, which suck and immediately knew she must be buying them to throw people off her trail.

As luck would have it, she turned into the pet department. My hunting ground.

I had foolishly left my pantleg stake at home, since I was trying to get some sun on my thighs via the new hotpants I had recently gotten from Wish.

Though my thighs looked fantastic, my vanity had left me ill prepared to dispatch of the creature before me.

It was at that moment that all of the animals began to simultaneously wink at me.

I caught their message and knew what I had to do.

It turned out that the padlock wasn't as secure as Masterlock would have you believe.

It only took me a few short minutes to violently bash my way into the aquarium, which of course caught the witch's attention.

She foolishly came over to see what was the source of the ruckus and I IMMEDIATELY SUBMERGED her head under the water.

The fish swam about delightedly.

My previous training had taught them to relish in the death of surface dwellers.

The witch thrashed about with such strength that I was happy to realize that what the lock lacked in security, it made up for in being heavy and hard.

I struck the witch's head over and over until the fish were breathing her blood.

If fish could get boners, I bet that would have done it.

I often think about how the world would be different if fish could get boners, but the ichthyologists I spoke to insist that it would cause too much drag.

Eventually, the witch's thrashing subsided and I left her to be discovered by someone who would probably write a stern letter to Masterlock.

I would have to take my leave and get the sand another time.

I hope Tep wouldn't mind.

The monsters would have a familiar meal tonight, but of course I would tell them it's sand like they asked for.