Warmth

It got to the point where I felt something possess me. I dont know what it was but i knew i wasnt in control anymore. All i could do was listen. Finally have this thing thats been following all my life take control and no longer fight it. I feel relief and fear. Somehow i managed to cross the line doctors, counselors, friends and family warn you about. Its the final line where there is no going back. Where all you feel is sorrow, helplessness, pain and guilt. I find myself inside a bathroom outside the gas station. No where to sleep or do the deed so might as well do it here. As i walk inside my feet drag behind me like a lifeless puppet being pulled by strings. I close and lock the metal door behind me. Inside it smells of urine and cheap chlorox detergent. I reach for the gun in my pocket. It feels heavier than usual. I make sure the safety is off and without blinking and no emotion on my face i slowly raise the gun to my temple. I slowly start to pull the trigger back and close my eyes. Finally it ends here. No more pain......... Suddenly I feel my finger stop. I open my eyes and see the gun shaking. This feeling started at my finger then spread through to my hand, then to my arm and finally my whole body couldnt stop. Desperate and filled with anger because my body wouldnt listen to me i fall to my knees that splashes hints of left over urine over me. My whole body couldnt stop shaking. Confused and anxious tears started to form and run down my cheeks uncontrollably. I let out a small cry and hunch over the gun in my hands because i just cant hold it in anymore. Why? This was supposed to be quick. So why isnt it over? Why am i crying? Why? Why are my hands shaking uncontrollably? Why cant i feel anything but feel everything when i dont want to? I probably need to find a way to trick my body in order to get this done. So i wipe the tears out of my eyes and try again. I slowly raise the gun to my temple and instead of having my body take over i think of a time when i was happy. I let myself be submerged in this memory of long ago. I was with my dog at the park. She was chasing the birds and would jump into the lake when they would fly over it. She would then quickly run back out and dry herself off. and do the same thing all over again. She looks so happy today in the warm sunlight. I call out to her Biscuit!!! She barks and looks at me and starts to

My body hits the floor................................

I feel warm all over.....................................

All i can hear is my dogs bark slowly getting farther and farther away and nails scatching metal.