A Love Hate Thing

When I first saw you, I hate you.

People used to say that love comes before hate,

But for us,

Love came after hate.

Our story seems to began a long time ago, though actually it has only been two years.

I’ll never forget the day when I first notice you two years ago, never.

It pins in my memory ever since I look at you for the first time.

If I say, I hate you at first sight will you believe me? Maybe you won’t care, you never do care anyway, why should I even ask you that in the first place?

The answer is,

because I care.

At first,

I hate you so much,

I hate that you are better than me,

I hate that you are so confident about what you’re doing,

I hate that you are always the center of attention,

I hate that you’re always the star, shining out of the darkness in the sky.

I HATE YOU...

Yes, I might be a selfish person, the jealousy of you being so perfect burns inside my heart like fire every time I lay my eyes upon you.

The rage rising inside me every time I hear you play your violin.

I can still remember that day when you played your first note in front of me, and I almost cried.

Because it was so beautiful.

So beautiful that it hits me, make me realized how little I am,

even smaller than a piece of sand.

It was like a dagger, stabbed me through my heart, and it won’t stop bleeding until the end.

You know what?

I hate you...

But at the same time,

I adore you...

I’m not being sarcastic, I really do adore you, admire you.

Hating myself for being so jealous of your talent.

Hating myself to admit that you are truly better than me.

Hating myself to finally give up hating you after I see the fear in your eyes.

Was it pity?

That one time when you showed me your true self.

Behind all the glamurous moment you had on stage,

you shed tears right in front of my face.

To be honest,

I was so shocked that I froze, I don’t know what to do, whether to hug you or to say something.

Back then, we were still strangers.

I chose to remain silent,

quietly watching girls hugging you beside me, comforting you, being friends that I never thought I will be one day to you.

And at that very moment,

I see your weakness that you’ve been trying to hide for so long,

I see your human side, the helplessness and the fear towards the future.

And for the first time,

the hate was gone, replaced by something else...something I don’t know how to explain.

Was it pity?

I don’t know.

But I do know.

Everything changed between you and me since that day.

Everything changed so fast that I barely have time to think,

time is magical, it always surprise us with something you’ll never think of.

One second we’re strangers, not friends, not classmates, but strangers.

Strangers that hate each other...

And by the next second, we became lovers.

Lovers, how strange is that for me to say it.

It’s been a month since you confessed to me, exactly one month.

“I...I love you...” you said to me.

And I froze.

That heartbeat thumping so loud next to my ears, my pulse quickend, my hands became sweaty, and I felt like I stopped breathing...

Is that...me?

How could that even be possible?

How? Since when have I fallen in love with you?

I thought hate has taken over in my feelings but all this time, it was love instead?

I love you too...

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Then the next moment, before my brain can even proccess.

our lips touched...

It was strange indeed, kissing someone you thought you hate.

Yet it felt familiar, your touch, your smell, your taste...

I wanted more,

I want...you.

You, are the only person that I ever love so deeply,

you are now my universe, my everything.

I trust you,

you make me feel safe.

Do you know?

When you have your arms around me, I feel like I'm the happiest girl on earth!

You will be my knight, protect me from all the harms in this world.

And I will be your princess, supporting you with love and comfort.

How can I say this?

I need you.

I need you to be by my side, always...

It was March 10th when we first kissed,

It was March 12th when we first started dating,

It was March 14th when I last saw you, in person.

Let me tell you,

reality is cruel.

One second I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in this world then the next second, I cried my eyes out because I won't be able to see you, or to feel you.

Yes, coronavirus pulled us apart.

It destroyed everything...

At first, everything was fine.

In the first week of quarantine we stayed up all night talking about everything, every possible topics we can found in our heads.

We texted every single minute, every single day...

But then things changed,

you started to became quiet.

When I asked you why,

you said it's because you were busy.

Busy...with what?

School, you said.

One word response.

I wish I can believe you that,

I keep reminding myself that we are students, and learning is our first priority.

But I can't help but wonder, is that true?

It's like in one night, you have became another person,

And this is not the person that I know, since when have you became so productive?

You're always the one not doing your work in class, and always asking for my help.

What changed?

No matter how much I want to believe your words, I still have a doubt, deep down inside my heart.

I hate you...

No, I love you...

I feel like an idiot,

blindly believing everything can be as perfect as a fairytale.

Is that what love feels like?

The pain of not being able to see you,

the stinging in my eyes whenever I think of you,

the shatter in my heart whenever I think that one day, you will leave me...and leave me alone in this cruel, cold reality.

I miss you...

I wanted to text you, to call you,

but whenever I turn on my phone and see your contact number, I stopped.

I remember what you told me...

"I'm busy..."

What a coward am I!

I turned off my phone so I can no longer feel the urge of texting you,

I hide away your pictures in my room so I won't think of you as much.

But still,

My hands ache for the phone, or more directly, ache for you...

How are you? I want to ask.

Are you doing well?

Have you been doing your homework like a good student?

Have you been eating your meals and exercising to stay healthy?

Have you been practicing your violin?

Have you been sleeping well?

Or most importantly,

have you been missing me?

So many questions, all swallowed into an enormous, invisible black hole.

I hate myself,

I can't believe I'm in love with you!

I hate you,

for making me to fell in love with you.

I hate everything...

But at the same time I love everything...

I love you,

I don't say these three words often,

Because I hate these words, they are just black squiggly lines, dead on paper.

Yet they make me feel like I never feel before,

when you said it from your lips, it made me feel...alive.

Forgive me for being too sensitive.

Forgive me for being such a needy girlfriend.

Forgive me for yelling at you when I'm mad.

Forgive me...

Stay safe, please...

until one day I'll be able to see you again.

To hold you,

To hug you tight,

To kiss you sweet,

To whisper in your ears...

I hate you.

I love you.

I miss you.