Memory Lane

Who knew COVID-19 would be a reason for me to take the long-dreaded trip down memory lane?

Yet here I am, looking at old photos,

even ones from last year,

and tears are pouring down my face.

Not because I had a bad childhood

Not because any part of my life was particularly traumatic

but because it was so good.

I always miss the before

as soon as it’s after

I always want to go back

as soon as I leave

because I don’t know how to let go

because I don’t want to let go.

I grasp at the strings of the past

holding me together

tying my life in a neat bow

that is slowly unraveling

piece by piece.

I miss what used to be

what could have been

what never will

I miss the opportunities I never had

because maybe I could have had them

if I tried harder

I am scared of the future

because I can see everything stacked in front of me

high school

college

job

L-I-F-E

and I don’t know how to face that.

The past is easier

decisions made for me

but soon they won’t be

soon my orchestrated life will fall to chaos

because the decisions I foisted on other people

will be left to me

and that’s the scariest prospect of all.

Memory lane is so saddening

because the memories remind me of good times

that will never exist again

only in my mind

that the only thing existing now is moving forward

going forward

hurtling into the unknown too fast for me to catch up

until my tired legs will have no ground left to run on

until I will be a control freak that finally lost control

and instead of picking up the broken pieces of everyone else

I will be those broken pieces

scattered

lifeless

reminders that

here lies a girl who couldn’t fix herself

here lies a girl that couldn’t cope

here lies a girl who had everything but threw it away

because the concept of everything was too much

until everything became nothing

and

she

was

gone.