I can’t write anything of substance.

I'm rippling with anxiety and there's no clear end in sight. I know several others are feeling this way, or worse. Things could be so much worse, but I can't stop feeling as low as I do in my particularly appropriate moment. I'm typing this as a means to deliver myself of my woes. Listening to some metal and power typing (or writing) has been my method of therapy for a long time. I've not spent a long time dwelling on the heavy thoughts as much as I've poured years into writings I will never share with the world. Dark thoughts, nightmares, fears. I'll write them and delete them like they never even happened. Gone. I don't think or feel it again. Maybe its healthy maybe not. This is just rambling at this point. There's not an ounce of try in this whole paragraph.

Now its two. I never considered the kind of obstacles that would break me. I've been at a breaking point several times in my life. Somehow my sanity has remained intact. Its kind of empowering to look back and realize how fucking easier everything was back then. Back when I thought I couldn't carry on. That I wouldn't make it through. I can keep going right? I know I haven't done anything on here in a while. I never really made a friend. Just kind of typed some shit, liked some shit, and sauntered on to other things. I don't even know if there is an audience I write to. Some blank faces that just take in words and have nothing to say? Or is no one even there? Just a void of information, letters, phrases swirling around in cyber space. Yuck... Next paragraph.

So, back to my anxiety. I've had a lot of personal stuff happen that has put me in the "scary calm". You know, the intensely calm person in a group of people freaking out? Do that for a month and a half. There's a deadline coming up and I'm just not sure if I'm prepared to handle it or the rammifications that come after, if the stipulation isn't met. Out in public people scream "Pandemic!" at home my family is blissfully unaware, in my head there's spiders everywhere. Eight-legged doubts crittering about in the dark parts of my mind. The deep shadow parts that seem to go on forever. Like tripping into a hole and falling a long long while, deep. The kind of fall where you don't get back up, deep.

...I'm falling there now.