Expectations

We waited four months to be able to see each other. We matched on tinder a week before it all began. Throughout the quarantine, we talked and got to know each other a little bit, but we were both just waiting for the real test together. For our first date.

***

Because we met on tinder and are being cautious we choose a farmer’s market just outside of town. I was nervous and did too many things last minute, which didn't give me enough time to find parking so I’m a few minutes late.

She was excited about the date and was five minutes early. At least she told me that she had arrived 5 minutes early and I made the assumption that it was because she was excited. She recognizes me as I walk over, but I wave to her still that way she’s sure I’m the right person.

I take in the way she’s dressed as I walk up to her. Her hair is down and her makeup is skillfully done in that way that I was never good at. I do okay, and I hope that I don’t look too tired or my skin isn’t too oily. I wanted to wake up early to give my hair time to fully dry before I had to leave, but because of my nerves and excitement I had a hard time falling asleep so I gave myself an extra hour to sleep in instead. Which means my hair right now is close, but not fully dry, and by the time it does dry it will be a little frizzy and the ends won’t be sitting right anymore.

Just before I reach her I take a moment to, a little shamefully, check out her body. It’s moments like these where I don’t question for a minute that I got at least one half of my sexuality right. I like her hips and I definitely like her breasts, which I can see because of her lower-cut top. I had wanted to wear something more low-cut myself, but I knew that my boobs don’t fill them out quite the right way. And the thing about going on a date with a girl is that there seems to be a lot more pressure to look your absolute best. Among girls, it says something when you know how to dress your body.

At the very last second, I worry, since she never called this a date nor specified her sexuality, I don't know if I should go in for an awkward, first-date hug. Because if it’s just a hang-out and she really is just looking for new friends on tinder then the hug will definitely seem just a little bit out of place. But my pre-planned actions are in motion before I have time to fully second-guess. I end up smiling, saying, “Hey! How’s it going?” (not near as confidently as I wanted to) and only raising my arms a little like I’m indicating that I want to hug, but I’m too pussy to actually do it.

She's either polite, or she's thinking the same thing, and we have a quick and awkward hug. This is followed by a moment of smiling while just barely not making eye-contact as my unmatchable social incompetency prevents her from knowing what to do next. And I don’t know what to do either because of said social incompetency.

One of us asks, “so should we get inside?” and we walk through the gates into the farmer’s market. It’s hot and there aren’t many clouds in the sky today. A good day to go to the farmer’s market probably. I don’t know for sure though because I’ve never been to a farmer’s market. She suggested this because I said that I really liked the apple fritters but never really know where to get them. I agreed because I thought the market sounded like fun. A classic place to start a romance with another girl.

I’ve also never gone on a date with another girl before, and that poses a much bigger problem than never having been to a farmer’s market. Hopefully though, I can play off my farmer’s market cluelessness as cute and my lack of dating experience can remain a deep secret. Nobody wants to be a girl’s first gay experience. Even if that girl is past the questioning stage and is now just embarrassingly inexperienced.

For example, we’re just walking around and talking, but I can’t ignore how much I just really want to hold her hand. I bet it would be soft, and because it’s a girl’s hand it would fit so nicely with mine. Whenever I hold hands with a boy I run into this problem where my little fingers are spread too far apart and start to get all tingly and uncomfortable. But I know that wouldn’t be a problem with her.

I try to give those subtle hints that I want to hold her hand. Y’know like trying to accidentally brush our hands together while we walk. I’m well aware that I’m a bottom and that means that I can’t just ask to hold her hand. Not only that, but there's the lingering issue of her never confirming her sexuality. I’m worried about something else too though. I can’t quite tell and I don’t want to mistake hopes for actual evidence, but if she’s also a bottom she’s never going to get the hints I’m dropping. More problematically, if she is a bottom she probably thinks I’m a top.

Sure maybe I can be a little dominant here and there, or I can get impatient and be a little blunt, but I could never pull off being a proper top for this girl no matter how much I like her. And I wouldn’t want her to feel obligated to be a top for me either if she really felt like she was more of a bottom.

I try to be rational though and give up on trying to hold her hand. I need to pay more attention to her and the conversation. That’s where the answers to all my questions lie. The sun is making it hard to think though. Plus it’s highly likely that all the squinting I have to do is not making me look very pretty. She brought a pair of sunglasses that, of course, fit her perfectly so she doesn’t have to worry. I have never thought I looked very good in sunglasses so I’m stuck squinting. But at least that gave me a plan, which immediately helps me feel a little calmer. After we get our apple fritters I’ll suggest a nice place indoors to eat them. This may be a farmer's market, but there are still a few buildings and tents around.

We spend the next 5 minutes walking around trying to find a stall that sells apple fritters. When we finally do, I find myself faced with another challenge. Who pays? Of course I’ll offer, and I’m more than happy to pay for my own at least. I’m fully prepared to treat her too. I love to do kind things for people. I just want to know what she’s expecting to happen. We stand in line and charm each other with conversation and what I would count as flirting, but I worry it's just a regular conversation for her.

When we get to the front of the line I order two apple fritters. For a quick moment, I wonder if she was hoping that we would do something romantic like share one. But the thought goes as quickly as it came because as I'm reaching into my purse she pulls her wallet out of her purse and, with a smile, says she’ll pay for these. I have no idea what to say. Could she be a top after all? If she’s a top then she is officially the perfect woman and I have found more than enough motivation to get my shit together and hold this chick’s hand!

I say a couple of things that are not full sentences, but close enough to get my point across and I finish off with a thank you. We wait for the fritters and I say thank you again when we get them. And, because I have no idea about her social expectations, (I feel like my parents could have done a better job making sure I have normal people manners) I start stabbing at the sweet, deep-fried apple with my plastic fork as we walk. I do have some common sense, however, and I watch the pace at which she eats her fritter and do my best to mimic that.

I end up getting caught up in our conversation and never do find an indoor place to suggest we stop inside to get out of the sun. I’ve gotten used to squinting, and she doesn’t seem to mind it either anyway. Plus I also seem to have gotten used to the light a bit too.

We talk a lot about our interests. I worry that I talk about myself a little too much and try to ask her questions about herself. When the conversation seems to die a little I suppress that awkward feeling and just tell her something about myself so that we can keep the conversation going. I really hope that I don’t sound too self-centred.

At one point I can’t bring myself to just say something else about me and we lapse into silence. But it’s not bad. I finish up the rest of my apple fritter, she had already finished hers a bit before, and I look around at the stalls and people. We walk close together so that people have room to get around us if they need to. We’re not moving very fast after all. Her arm brushes against mine a couple of times and I think about when I was trying to give hints that I wanted to hold her hand. But I can’t do that again because the empty fritter container is still in that hand and I’m afraid I’ll spill some syrup and make it sticky if I move it to the other hand.

Instead, as we reach an area on the edge of the market with picnic tables I tell her to hang on a second as I go to throw out my container. She follows and I realize I’m an idiot because she’s still holing hers and I should have offered to throw it out too. As I said, my parents should have spent more time forcing me to remember my manners.

I say some apology about not taking her garbage and she says it's fine either because she’s polite or it hadn’t crossed her mind either. Then she suggests we sit down for a bit at one of the picnic tables. I’m a little tired from walking around in the sun so I agree and steer us toward the tables that are less populated and a little farther away from everybody.

When we sit down I remember how, on the way here, I had thought that it would be so nice to kiss her at one of these tables today. But we hadn’t even held hands yet. And I had determined before that chances are it’s way too early for us to kiss. Maybe we would have a better shot at it in a less public place. Maybe she isn’t fully out yet. But at the same time, there are so many people here that I doubt anybody has recognized either of us.

Since I have a chance to relax a little while sitting down I realize how much time has passed. We have already been out for more than an hour and all we have done is eat apple fritters. And if I'm honest, that's enough for me of the farmer’s market. But I don't want my time with her to stop. I don't know if she has other plans today or anywhere else to be, but I have an idea so I think I'll give it a shot. Maybe she wants to spend more time with me too? I know of a few walking trails in the area and I ask if she wants to go with me to one of those. She took the bus, but I had my car with me and we could drive.

She's immediately on board with the idea. And I feel so happy. It seems like this beautiful girl was really enjoying her time with me. We walk through the maze of stalls to my car and I run around to unlock her car door first because my key fob has been broken since the day I got it. I feel like a little gentleman for a moment and am glad to have made up for not throwing away her garbage earlier.

I give her the aux cord too to pick the music, but she says she wants to hear what I listen to. What I really want to listen to is her singing along and enjoying her music, but I knew how awkward it would be to sing along alone, and chances are I wouldn’t know any of the lyrics.

So I plug my phone in and give my usual warning about how all over the place my music can be before I press shuffle. Then I pass her the phone and tell her to add any songs she knew to the queue as I drive out of the parking lot.

We end up both singing along to songs off my 70s playlist and rolling the windows down. The entire drive to the trail I'm having mini fantasies about dating her and having those sweet moments together on weekends. There are even a few fantasies with a little more spice than sweetness. Her pushing me against a tree to make out with me. Us getting a little more hands-on in the car.

When I park outside the trail I come back to reality as I shut off the car. I stuff my keys in my purse, grab my phone, and do the whole, “ready?” thing as I get out of the car and walk around to the front of the trail.

Conversation starts again as we get walking. As a habit from the market, we walk close together. I become highly aware of every time our shoulders bump as we walk because it’s fallen quiet between us again. I lapse into peaceful non-thought when her fingers brush against mine and then she takes my hand. Our fingers lock together and I bit down on my lip so hard to stop myself from grinning.

I think she notices because she’s looking at my face. So I look at her and I smile. It's such a good smile too. I hope that she likes it. She’s smiling back and her sunglasses are pushed to the top of her head.

We walk a little way down the trail, but honestly, I think we’re both a little tired of walking. I made the last-minute-decision to wear heels too. And while I don't care that they're getting muddy I do mind the soreness in my legs.

I notice that I'm slowing down a little as I walk, but she is too. We haven't seen a single other person the entire time we have been walking. Which I assume is probably about a half-hour. Then she stops walking entirely and the slight tug on my hand when she did turns me around to face her.

I'm about to ask her if she's tired and wants to turn back, but she lets go of my hand at the same moment and my heart sinks a little. Trust me, I know it’s a very small thing to get disappointed about. And honestly, she probably dropped it because it’s weird to hold hands and stand facing each other, but still.

My hurt vanishes in a second though because she then steps forwards and puts her hands on either side of my face so that she can lean in close to my face and then kiss me softly on the lips.

I absolutely melt.

I can seriously die happy.

I kiss her right back and, like I'm a marionette on strings, I put my arms around her waist and step closer.

Her lips are soft and she's warm. I liked being close to her and I hop she likes being close to me. We keep kissing like that for a bit. No tongue stuff. Just sweet kissing. And when we pull away from each other I don't even try not to grin.

I want to kiss her again. And I do. I'm looking at her eyes and thinking about how I want to kiss her again when suddenly we're kissing. And I have never wished more in my life that instead of standing in the middle of a forest we could be sitting on a couch or a bed someplace else. Maybe someplace private.

After that, we turn around and start walking back to my car. We talk so easily to each other. I know I'm talking too fast and a little too much. But I'm not so worried anymore. We hold hands right away and kept out fingers interlocked all the way there.

When we get to my car I unlock her side first again and let her in before I get into the driver's side. Don’t ask exactly how it happened, but I had only gotten the engine on when suddenly we're kissing again. And I guess the privacy of the car meant she could slide her tongue into my mouth. That was fine though because I wanted it.

She kisses my neck and I slide my hand under her shirt and up her back a little ways. I think she would have crawled right onto my lap if I hadn’t been sitting on the driver's side with the steering wheel in the way.

Anyway, after that, she lets me drive her to her apartment and we kiss goodbye. The soft kind of kiss again that isn't too long, but not too short either.

I chew my lip as I watched her head inside. Then I drive to a nearby plaza parking lot to sit for a second and process everything that happened. By the time I drive away and get home, I can't wait to see her again. Maybe next time at her place?

When I get inside I see that I have a message from her asking if I got home safe. I make sure I'm safe in my room before I answer her because I'm grinning the whole time. I had so much anxiety and excitement just earlier that day when I knew I would be meeting her, but it had all gone so well. None of my expectations prepared me for that.