Messy Bathroom Floors

I don't know what I'm to do now

I've cried on messy bathroom floors, crumbled through open doors, asked myself how I could take much more

I've parked in front of your house, screamed at a God I don't believe in

Listened, listened for anything

Some kind of answer, some response to this madness

Silence, a profound silence

Darkness, that encases me in a way I didn't know it could

And your light hidden away in here somewhere

I've crept past denial

I know this is real

I dance between anger and depression

When it becomes too heavy I drown myself in distraction

How could this happen?

Every time I cross those city limits or even that damn "Welcome to Idaho" sign

I feel empty, confused about where I'm going because it's no longer your house, it's no longer you, but somehow it is

Because I find you, in every person who ever loved you

In your sisters when they invite away from my table for one

In your friends who greet me and hug me, regardless of the damage I've done

In the strangers who don't know me and ask me my name

In my boyfriend's kind words, how he thanks you, though he never knew you

How he says he is so grateful I met a man so genuine

How he knows you made me a better person

I want to explain how the wonderful things you gave me, all the precious moments, all the growth and beauty I get to carry with me

I don't think in all my years I'll get the chance to know a better person

My heart is broken

But if you taught me anything it's that the broken can be mended

I know that I'll get through this

Stronger with every step

One day I'll look at the pictures and smile, even laugh

I'll be happy for the past, not mournful of a love I wasn't meant to have

I'll be grateful for all the time spent, not angry at the lost time and the man who did this

My eyes will still fill with tears, but tears of joy instead of sadness

Overwhelmed with happiness for having ever had this

Today is not that day

I'm sure that day is a long ways away

It'll take a while to be okay

I'll get there, one day